The Scintillating World Of Scruffy

2009-04-23T05:17:00.003+08:00

it is with no sadness at all that i announce the closure of this blog...

because it leads to another one!

in lieu of the exciting changes in store for me over the next 6 months... you're cordially invited to view a brand new blog/website at:

web.me.com/meegohweng

Enjoy! thanks for reading this throughout the years... the scintillating world of scruffy ends, the magic of meegohweng begins!

2008-06-20T11:22:00.002+08:00

"there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 john 4:18)

if understanding how much God loves us and believing in it are so important, how can we tell where we stand in the strength of that belief? verse 18 begins to answer that question. fear and worry signal that we are not yet perfect in our belief in how much God loves us. if we believe that the God of infinite power and wisdom loves no one in the universe more than us, what do we have to fear or worry about?

what good parent does not use all the resources available to ensure the well being of his or her children? we are in the minute-by-minute care of the great God. "if God is for us, who can be against us?" (romans 8:31). similarly, isaiah 43:13 records an important promise from God:

"yes, and from ancient days I am he. no one can deliver out of my hand. when I act, who can reverse it?"

nothing outside of us can stand in His way of accomplishing His purpose to save except ourselves. as difficult as job was, God knew exactly what trial was necessary — in his case, a quite painful one — to get the right result. He knows the buttons to push and the pressures to apply to set each of us straight. job 36:15 tells us:

"but those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction."

a second sign of our lack of faith in His love is how we respond to trials. if we believe in how much He loves us, then we know the trial is for our good. Because of His love, we should know that a trial is not just an arbitrary act without rhyme or reason. because He is God, it cannot be an accidental circumstance happening without His awareness or concern. it definitely cannot be an act just to make our lives more difficult. these might be the thoughts of a child while receiving a spanking, but they should not be ours.

a third way to measure the strength of our faith is to list the things that would make our lives better yet seem to be out of reach. for some, it is money; others, a job; and still others, a mate. psalm 84:11 is a verse we can use to get the right perspective:

"for the Lord God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

if we are walking uprightly, our lack of a desired thing is in itself a good indication that at this time it is not good for us, no matter what we might think to the contrary. otherwise, this verse cannot be true. getting what we want rather than what we need can be spiritually lethal.

a final way to measure our faith is to examine if we ever feel we love ourselves more than God does. a person with this attitude begins to take things into his own hands because he cannot trust God to do it — he does not believe how good God is and how much He loves him. to doubt the depth of God's love for us is to deny God and the very essence of who He is — love.

this describes Satan's attitude, one that could be considered insanity. human nature, which mimics Satan's spirit is suicidal, wanting to sin even though it knows the result is death. thus, because human nature contains this spirit of self-destruction, God always loves us more than we love ourselves.

it is vital that we build our faith in God's love for us and realize just how special we are to Him. He loves no one else in the universe more. 1 john 4:17 promises that perfecting our faith in God's love for us gives us the power we need to face our trials, our day of judgment, boldly. in doing so, we will be imitating the faith Jesus Christ exercised in facing His trails, showing absolute faith in God's love for us.

2008-06-18T09:27:00.002+08:00

"you brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. the good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. but I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. for by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." (Matthew 12:34-37)

have we ever considered applying this principle a little differently? most of us naturally think of this passage to refer to our conversations with others at home, at work, in church, etc. but what about applying it to ourselves when we are on our knees before God?

have we ever considered that out of the abundance of our prayers - or the lack thereof - our heart speaks?

further, do we deeply consider what we say to God? do we take the time to organize and improve how we present our requests to Him? do we think about the attitude in which we come before the great God of the universe? we may not always count it a blessing but God knows our every thought, every desire, every emotion. It is impossible to hide anything from Him.

"nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." (hebrews 4:13)

the beauty in truly understanding this is that we may as well be totally honest with Him, telling Him everything, because He already knows the deepest intents of our hearts!

He sees the tender feelings we have toward the plights of others and our desire to help. He notes the patience, forbearance, and true outgoing concern we have for the church. He knows the deep love we have for those who request our prayers for their healing. He observes our sighing and crying over the wretched world we live in.

conversely, He also sees when we are being self-centered, pigheadedly pursuing our own desires, and justifying what we want as opposed to what is right and good in His sight. He notices when we ignore the needs of others. He surely must shake His head in shame when we excuse ourselves for not doing what we know to be righteous.

God is acutely aware of our attitudes when approaching His throne. He discerns whether we consider time spent in conversation with Him to be of great value, or whether we are just going through the motions. because He knows what we are going through at all times, He knows when we are harboring grudges, doubts, malice, lust, impatience, covetousness, and any other carnal motivation against another. certainly, He realizes that we will not be at our best every time we enter His presence, but He can tell when we are distracted or disinterested.

God is shaping us for future offices in His Kingdom, and He learns a great deal about us as we come before Him in prayer. He truly does listen to what we bring before Him, but He always considers our heart and our reasoning in His response to us.

this does not mean that we have to pray perfectly every time, having every word and rationale in its proper place, although doing so should be our goal. romans 8:26-27 assures us:

"in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. and he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

even though we might not put every word or thought in its proper place, still the ideas, plans, and attitudes in our prayers are amplified and aided by God's Spirit flowing between God and ourselves, and the Father responds according to His will for us. Paul continues, providing us greater confidence and boldness before God:

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (romans 8:28)

what joy we should have in knowing that everything will work out splendidly in the end!

2008-06-17T10:25:00.002+08:00

I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (Revelation 3:18-20)

Christians are the victims of an age that is apathetic to a true relationship with God. would anybody in all honesty admit that he would not care to eat a meal with and fellowship with Jesus Christ? yet, He is reporting that in His own church there are some who know that He is at the door, yet will not rouse themselves to answer it and fellowship with Him. they are refusing to fellowship with Him and are so far from Him that they do not even see their need. if there is no awareness of need, there is no desire; no desire, no prayer; no prayer, no relationship, and back to no awareness of need. it runs in a vicious circle.

God is hoping that He can stir us up enough to repent and break out of the cycle — by rekindling an awareness of need. awareness of need is in us because we are close enough to Him to see clearly how holy, gracious, kind, merciful, and good He is, and then we will want to be like He is. in other words, we so admire and respect Him and His qualities that we want to be near Him and will chase after Him, diligently seeking after Him like a lover seeking after his love. we will exalt Him and seek to honor Him by being like Him. it is our responsibility to seek Him with all our might — with everything in us.

2008-02-13T10:47:00.004+08:00

I've been doing my best recently, reading the Bible just by itself, without the crutch of some material to hinder what God is telling me. Don't get me wrong, i think devotional materials and books are great, and they have blessed me a lot, but I just wanted to see for myself if God would speak to me purely from the Word. And He did! Amen to that.

Life often spins by us: school work, catching up with family and friends, the endless pursuit of more material wealth and comforts - but have you ever paused to think how big this universe really is?

I just spent about half an hour on YouTube watching videos of space and deep space and whatever else. but beyond that, God showed me some things which pricked at my heart.

"For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God" - 1 Cor 3:19

The universe, according to some estimates, is 38 billion light years across. Could be more, don't trust my numbers if you're a factoid hunter. But seriously, 5.88 trillion miles a year x 38 billion = a load of math we don't wanna comprehend. Yet Satan has so completely wound a society of disbelief that amazingly, i've read comments like "God sucks, science is the way to go." Science, as far as i am concerned, has never done anything more THAN prove that God exists.

Take our sun for example. Louie Giglio states that it would take the annual GDP of the United States of America X 7 MILLION YEARS to power the sun for ONE SECOND. That's how powerful the sun is, in our puny human terms. and yet, the sun itself is considered one of the less powerful stars we know. Think about that. Think about how God breathed this star out of His mouth.

Psalm 33:6 - "The Lord merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born."

in September 2003, the Hubble telescope pointed its lens out into what seemed like an empty patch of space, 38 billion light years away. This is called the Hubble Deep Field project or something. 11 days later, it came back with an astounding picture. What seemed empty to us, was actually filled with BILLIONS of galaxies. I know, billions is big word and we may not be able to get it, but let's break it down.

We live in the solar system, 1 of 8 planets orbiting the Sun. our next closest star, Alpha Centauri is 5 light years away - 93 trillion miles away. Travel loads more billions of miles, and you get to the edge of the Milky Way, which is our little neighbourhood in space. Space, by the way, contains HUNDREDS of BILLIONS more neighbourhoods, most bigger than ours. But I digress. If you were to count all the stars in our neighbourhood, the Milky Way, at the rate of 1 per second, it would take you 2500 years just to count the number of stars in the Milky Way galaxy. That's how big our universe is. Correction, that's how big our KNOWN universe is. There are still parts of the universe we don't know and haven't been able to fathom yet.

Mu Cephei, one of the biggest stars we've ever found, is 2.7 QUADRILLION times the size of earth. For math retards like myself, this is how much a quadrillion is.

1 million seconds ago = 12 days ago

1 billion seconds ago = May 1975

1 trillion seconds ago = 29,700 B.C

1 quadrillion seconds ago = 30,800,000 years ago

The Bible tells us that God breathes stars like these. That He alone called forth the host of the stars by their name. The biggest star we've found is called Canis Majoris. Check this out: if the earth were a golf ball, Canis Majoris would be the Mount Everest in comparison. That's 7 quadrillion times bigger than earth. That's enough golf balls to fill the entire state of TEXAS in golf balls, 22 inches deep. And that, my friends, is Canis Majoris.

Yet, the greatest miracle of all lies not in the fact that God is way bigger and more infinitely powerful than we can ever imagine. No, not by a long shot. The greatest miracle is that Jesus, the one whom the Bible tells us in Colossians 1:16, "For through Him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth," came down to earth to die for you and me. The Star breather, the Universe maker - He became your Saviour.

Life and sin have a way of making our lives, our wants, our needs, our desires the focal point of our being. It amplifies everything about us, while shrinking God down to nice bite-sized pieces. But let's get our perspective right today. God is the huge one, we are the itty-bitty ones who can't get it together.

We struggle to believe because we cannot see, but we cannot see because we are not really looking.

God is not just out there in the heavens. No, not even just out there as the 38 billion light years across of Universe screams out His name.

The greatest miracle of all is that God is right here, on earth, beside you now. And He loves you far greater than you will ever know.

The shadows prove the sunshine.

The echo proves the sound.

The steam proves the heat.

The watermark proves the flood.

The rustling of leaves proves the wind.

The creation proves the Creator.

The heavens prove His glory.

The Son proves the Father.

The Cross proves His Love.

2008-01-11T16:26:00.000+08:00

"ehhh, blog for me leh." (goh, 2008)

yes, again.

and it's evident that i acceded to his request HURHUR but because i'm not at home and i've absolutely no access to my photos (i'm using a different bag today and didn't bring my thumbdrives), this is gonna be a proper blog entry. the real one. the cheem kind that korkor publishes. well, at least i'm gonna try HA

charmaine, cheryl, korkor and i had a filling lunch at blackboard 4hrs ago, and i was thinking (for only the 404234069th time) that i haven't experienced hunger pangs in ages. like waaaay before i even went back to perth. seriously, it's not even funny; i'm constantly stuffing my face with food. that would explain a lot, you may think. HA. but that's not my point.

okaaaay the following paragraphs aren't gonna make much sense, 'cuz i've a myriad of thoughts which i can't seem to string into coherent sentences.

but an hour or so ago, i happened to read matthew 5:6 - "blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

in this day and age, how many people can say that they know what it's like to be really hungry, or even thirsty? compare the then and now - a working palestine man consumed meat only once a week, and in palestine the working man and the day laborer often bordered on real hunger and actual starvation.

and more so in the case of thirst. unlike today, where we can turn the tap and get clear water running, the people of ancient days were helpless whenever they experienced sandstorms in the midst of their journeys on foot. all they could do was wrap their heads and turn their backs to the wind while sand filled their throats and nostrils, 'til they were parched and on the brink of suffocation.

back to the verse. we know that Jesus, when he used "hunger" and "thirst", was not referring to the dry\empty feeling we experience before meals. with physical appetite, as i would know, one could still feel hungry\thirsty even after a meal+drink!

i guess what i'm driving at is the frustration i feel, when sometimes this mirrors my spiritual life. how long has it been, since i was last suuuuper hungry? sure, i do my QT every morning and every night, and i pray. yes, i'm always excited when i wake up, to find out what God was going to show me. i constantly want to know more, to learn more. yet sometimes i feel i'm not desperate enough.

i want to say, like the psalmist in 42:1-2, "as the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, o God. my soul thirsts for God, for the living God." and in psalm 63:1, "o God, You are my God, earnestly i seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

it seems that i'm always comfortable - physically or spiritually OH NO i don't know where this is going, neither can i phrase my thoughts AND korkor has just returned from his meeting so i gtg!

2008-01-08T22:34:00.000+08:00

I was reading with great interest some posts from my distant past. Did you know once upon a time I actually bothered to blog more than once a day. I mean, seriously. Who blogs 3 or 4 times a day.

This morning I helped PJ with the TRAC pastor's fellowship. Which was nice. But we sang a hymn which got me thinking. The said hymn is "Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing"

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Am I the only one to wonder what in the world an Ebenezer is?

After some serious Bible study - which I highly recommend for everyone reading - I found out that hey! Ebenezer is the name of a stone. No, really.

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the LORD has helped us." - 1 Samuel 7:12

Although the naming of the stone and the name merits (in my unprofessional opinion) some mirth, there is great wisdom in what the prophet Samuel did. Besides, Ebenezer should not be scoffed it. It means "the stone of God's help".

It was over 1100 years before Jesus' birth. The people of Israel had conquered much of the Promised Land, but it hadn’t been easy, not by a long shot. The nation was still surrounded by many powerful enemies. In fact, 20 years before 1 Sam 7:12, one of the darkest days in ancient Israel happened. In a single day, Israel not only suffered a terrible military defeat but also lost the Ark of the Covenant to their enemies. The Ark was the symbol of God’s presence among them. This was a national disaster and tragedy worse than 9/11 to them. Israel soon regained the ark. But nothing was ever the same again. The terrible memory of that day would continue to haunt and discourage the nation for a generation.

20 years on, Samuel, the great prophet of Israel, calls a meeting of the nation’s leaders. He tells them that if they want to experience God's blessings, they need to return to their faith in Him. Times had been hard. But things would never improve without God. The entire nation responded positively. At Mizpah, the nation gathered in prayer, but more importantly with faith, to seek God’s blessing. Just at that moment, the Philistine army, enemy of Israel, saw an opportunity to attack while Israel’s warriors were in prayer. But Samuel learns of the treachery. The soldiers ready for battle. The Philistines are turned back in defeat. A great victory for Israel!

Many of us today haven’t come through twenty years of spiritual despair or survived a great, harrowing, military battle. Many of you however, share dark nights and discouraging moments. Moments that sap you of your energy just to think of them. Moments that draw your focus on the problems ahead, on the problems you have now, on the problems you had then.

Today we could all use a memorial like Samuel’s - a memorial to God’s faithfulness. Here we raise our Ebenezer because “Thus far has the Lord helped us.” That’s a reminder we could always use!

Israel didn’t need a memorial to the tough times they had been through. After all, they had lived them. You don’t need a memorial to your loss and grief. Those ancient Israelites weren’t likely to forget the twenty years of discouragement any time soon.

The same goes for us. We don't raise stones or journals or markers to commemorate our losses, our grief, our sorrow. The memories of the hard times are enough for that. But the memories of God's faithfulness also remain with us. That was Samuel’s challenge to Israel. He wanted his people to not only remember what problems and darkness they had already faced. He wanted them never to forget the Lord who had seen them through it.

And that's why I think this line of this glorious hymn is something we should take note of. We should all keep prayer journals or Ebenezer stones of some sort. Because, when the hard times come, as they undoubtedly will (they go too, but that's a "sermon" for another day), what we can use to take us through the disappointment is the memorial to His faithfulness. The Israelites knew what they were doing. They chose not to focus on the issue at hand but on the Infinite Provider of solutions.

So do yourselves a favour. Raise yourselves an Ebenezer. Or many. And as you walk through life, through storms and darkness, look back towards the Ebenezer, and smile. God is with you.

2008-01-05T12:28:00.000+08:00

2008.

As the end of the world hurtles towards us, as prices of fuel and basic necessities skyrocket, as the economy starts to plummet, how many of us actually care about all of this?

We live in a cushioned, comfortable society. One where the way the person serves us at a restaurant can make or break our satisfaction in a meal. In places abroad, just having a meal, let alone one served to you, can mean the difference between life and death.

We care little about those around us, save for those that make good gossip fodder. Even those we supposedly care about, we hesitate not to slander or debase in order to satisfy our urge to criticise.

We act like we care, when we don't. We make pretend smiles and mental lists of why this person is such a social misfit, poor dresser or doesn't fit in. We like to assume a "better-than-thou, holier-than-thou" attitude when we fail to see the darkness that resides deep within ourselves.

We assume so much and know so little. We indulge so much in what cannot last - wealth, good food, material comforts, gossip.

"No one is righteous, not one." - Romans 3:10

There is hope yet.

In this world that fails, in a world that is hopeless, God has given His light.

You see, we can try our hardest to change. But it would probably fail before Chinese New Year.

But if we live our lives in honour and wonder of His glory, if we truly allow His love to transform from within, EACH DAY CAN BE BETTER THAN THE LAST.

There is no better time than now to make a difference. Yesterday is past, tomorrow is not yet here.

2008 - the year of prayer and worship for Bedok Methodist Church.

In reality, every day should be a day of prayer and worship - wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

There is hope.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."'

Romans 12:2

The SURVIVORS learnt this verse at CYC this year.

As our TRAC president loves to do, lets look at the words "be transformed".

The Greek root of this word is "metamorphoo".

The verb is given in simple present tense - It gives no indication whatsoever of the action being completed, but that it can happen with great frequency - like a daily occurrence.

It is in a passive voice - the subject is the receiver of the verbal action - YOU ARE THE RECEIVER of this TRANSFORMATION!

It is an imperative - An expression of a command, intention, or exhortation. The imperative is not an expression of reality but possibility and volition.

Basically what Paul is saying is this "keep on being transformed "

It can be done! It just requires an act of the will.

We can be transformed, by standing upon the unshakable truth that is the Word of God.

The key to this transformation, this metamorphosis, is the renewing of your mind.

As your mind keeps on being made new by the spiritual input of God’s Word, prayer, and Christian fellowship, your lifestyle will keep on being transformed.

Lets make 2008 a year of transformation - in prayer, worship, study of His word and in the church.

2007-12-29T16:39:00.000+08:00

[271207, in korkor's room - yuan&korkor were playing xbox while i was using his computer:]
korkor: meimei, help me blog leh
me: but i don't even have time to update mine!

then i thought about korkor's 694042340 fans who have rss feed on this blog HURHUR so i decided to be nice. since i'm home for a coupla hours today (i'm usually only home from 0300-1300hrs, all of which is spent sleeping HA), i got some peektures and made simple collages.

it isn't a lot, considering how i've only been back for a month. but these will have to do for now; enjoy!

1) 10dec; receiving korkor from the airport!
2) 13dec; cyc :)
3) while waiting for hippo
4) yuan + i followed korkor back to church office
5) 14dec; cyc :)
6) korkor + joanne were station masters and i tagged along
7) ever so obliging!
8) 15dec; cyc - korkor delivered his 1st sermon! :)

Christmas day!

1) lunch party at korkor's house!
2) the early birds :)
3) korkor didn't attend church, 'cuz
4) he was cooking up a storm!
5) some of the guests :)
6) my 1st time playing cranium!
7) yuan's hilarious la
8) the guys

27december;

1) dinner at blk85;
2) korkor + yuan + i!
3) we slacked at korkor's house,
4) 'til 2300hrs!
5) supper@ECP's mcdonalds
6) where we played 6 hilarious rounds of uno 'til 0100hrs!

alright my job's done and i've to go out now; byeeee!

2007-07-23T23:39:00.000+08:00

it's often said that the measure of a man is not how he acts while he is at his peak, but what he does when he falls. or something like that.

I fell victim to a cheap shot recently, by someone from whom i have come to expect cheap shots from. alright then, most of you might be thinking that since i've already come to expect cheap shots from this person, i should be okay with it.

wrong.

pardon me, but i am flesh and blood as well. And when someone who shouldn't be using such immature ways of communication does, it's just plain disappointing.

the Lord has a way of dealing with pride, and i for one would be the first to admit that He is still molding my character, ESPECIALLY in the area of pride. it's not been easy, it has been traumatic at best, devastating at worst. And still i find great joy for it is when i find my joy in Him that the troubles and the shaping of this life I lead begin to take eternal importance. but when you begin to take pride and become insufferable because of your own perceived perch, you are in trouble.

the trouble is, some people refuse to move on. They miss the forest completely because they are nit picking about some twig in their shoes. It's like someone who deliberately misses the bus because the previous one came late. In the end, though the bus driver may get offended at your wild shouts and mad gesticulation, you are the one who suffers because you don't get to take the bus. You don't get to where you need to be going, simply because you chose it.

I really believe in what the Bible says. that if you have grievance with someone, or if you need to forgive or be accorded forgiveness to, do it before you come before Him and try to worship. Because it just doesn't happen. Often the bitterness eats and bites at you and you find yourself flailing, just because obedience wasnt accorded.

for that reason and that reason only, i must move beyond this. and for those of you who care enough to read, thank you for bearing with yet another bizarre and totally random post.

shout outs here to my mei mei and bruddar - both of whom bugged me ALOT to get this post up. in fact, ANY post up. "go and die lah" was one of the better ones. HA.

much love to you, and for that someone out there, I pray God is working in your life because I know He is in mine. And for that reason i shall not suffer fools gladly.

2007-05-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

I started this post like 5 times and deleted it all. I have no idea what to write. Reading other people's blogs always seems fascinating to me, not least because of the fact that i feel i have absolutely zilch worth writing, not to mention worth reading, in my life.

I go to camp everyday, work my butt off for my country, and then come home where i do stuff that people do at home.

nothing of great importance ever happens to me, and that leads me to question: Is there a method to my madness?

is blogging all about writing stuff that happens that is interesting? What if nothing interesting ever happens? am i just too pessimistic to see the stuff happening around me?

what if no one cares?

haha. just a thought. if you actually took the time to read this, i sincerely apologize. perhaps my attempts at being retrospective and clever shall take flight next post. whenever that may be.

2007-05-03T03:43:00.000+08:00

I AM DEPRESSED.

2007-02-26T20:27:00.000+08:00

just to feel Your arms around me
just to know Your grace has found me
just to hear Your voice surround me
Calling my name

That is why i live
That is why i move
That is why my heart can not go on without You
That is why i sing
That is why i cry
That is why no other love but You will satisfy

Just to stand beside You knowing
Your promise that You're never going
Never leaving, always holding
Holding my hand

That is why i live
That is why i move
That is why my heart can not go on without You
That is why i sing
That is why i cry
That is why no other love but You will satisfy

2007-02-13T19:24:00.000+08:00

There's a mountain before me, as I come into Your Presence,
Though my heart is so willing to recieve
Wondering why all of my prayers seem to fall to the ground
With every syllable I speak

As I come right before You, I've cried my last tear
I'm tired of forgetting all You've done
All the times You came to my rescue, when I was so weak
Growing weary from this race I run

And yet as I fall to my knees, I feel Your embrace
As You usher me here before Your throne
Reaching with Your Hand of forgiveness,
You speak to me these words with a love like I've never ever known:

"You will overcome.
And the trials you go through shall fall one by one,
as My grace pours over you..

and you will seek me and find me
When you seek me with all of your heart, not just a part.
When the road that you travel, seems like it never will end,
I'll be your friend.
And in those times that you feel like this world is so far from your home,
You're not alone.
'Cause I will never depart, just seek me with all of your heart."

find a way to stop the tears.

2007-01-03T23:50:00.000+08:00

hahahaha my mother just showed me like a few dozen lucky draw stubs.

i'm praying over them for God to bless me with a car. hahaha. any takers? be a channel of God's blessings! give Nat a car! i'm only kidding OF COURSE.

just found the whole thing funny.

later...

2007-01-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

hahaha well i don't know the time difference between plano, texas and singapore but i'm guessing the optimum time for my bfamaftino to log on is early SG time, whilst slackers like mei mei are sleeping and sad NSFs like me are in camp! speaking of which i had a tremdously uplifting conversation with mei mei today! thank you my dear! you are a much better conversationalist than I am! King SOLOMON rules! (bro you should get the inference)

i wonder how you're settling bro! hahaha i'll bet you rocked the joint the moment you stepped in for orientation! met any ethnic beauties? so many things to ask, but i think i'll e-mail instead!

its rather sad that the time my bfamaftino logs on and the time i do doesnt match but hey! there're worse things in the world today so there's nothing to whine about.

what keeps long distance relationships going? is it constant contact through IM, skype, e-mail? perhaps long-distance calls at every opportune moment? or even flying over frequently?

"now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

tah-dah! the answer is love. and not just any love for that matter, God's love.

Thats how i know with a heavenly assurance that my bfamaftino and mei mei won't forget me or drift apart while they are overseas! Thats how we stayed close even through tough times of misunderstandings and all. those of you who are doubting should try it. practice some of God's love in your r/s too! it may just do you a whole world of good.

in other news, out of habit i dialled 98551805 today! hahaha something funny happened that i wanted to share, but guess what i got in reply.

"sorry. the starhub number you have dialled is presently not in service."

zzzz.

anyway, peace out to all y'all.

2007-01-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

theres no where else i'd rather be, than with TGAAP.

tmr army starts again. SIGH. 2007 is not shaping up to be all that great but i know it can only get better from here. i mean, how do you get worse than your beloved bruddar leaving singapore right?

RIIIGHT.

it does get worse before it gets better. TGAAP is going global - to quote from the literary genius known as my mei mei a.k.a PYPP. mei mei is going to go back to perth.

my deb mei is going to melbourne too!

why oh why.

everyone's leaving!

anyway, happy new year to all of you, you're in the midst of a bumper crop of posts! I usually have a long lull but TGAAP has inspired me to blog like never before! Plano, Texas - suddenly everyone who's anyone knows where this is! Bro, you've put Plano on the map! and you've barely been there for a day! haha

g'night and check back soon

2007-01-02T20:04:00.000+08:00

to my bestie, my significant other, my brotherfromanothermotherandfather, thereisnoneother:

Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.

sunny days and starry nights
and lazy afternoons
you count the castles in the clouds
and hum little tunes

but somehow right before your eyes
the sun fades away
everything is different
and everything has changed

if you feel lost and on your own
and far from home
you never alone, you know

just think of your friends
the ones who care
they all will be waiting there
with love to share
and your heart will lead you home

funny how a photograph can take you back in time
to places and embraces
that you thought you left behind

they're trying to remind you
that you're not the only one
that no one is an island
when all has said and done

there'll come a day when you're losing your way
and you won't know where you belong
they say that home is where your heart is
so follow your heart know that you can't go wrong
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

you'll always be my best friend! my more than significant other, and my brother.

love you bro.

2006-12-31T17:50:00.000+08:00

the new year approaches with startling rapidity. i sit here at the desk of my bruddar from another mother and father there is none other, considering the year that has passed. It has been an amazing year. But that's a post for another day, another time, another year (2007 lah, DUH).

bruddar, God has been more than gracious to us these past few years, hasn't He? I mean, like the song goes(go download it if you doubt the title): We've come a long way, baby. From the first time we met till this blessed day of new pastures and ventures, it's been a twistin', turnin' (in lazy Texan drawl) heart-stoppin', heart-breakin' and ultimately the most rockin' ride ever.

Let me tell you - as if you already didn't know him - about this dearest and treasured brother. He is a born leader. He has demonstrated with freaky consistency the ability to draw out and summon courageous and almost superhuman feats from others around him. In times of adversity, trust me, you'd want this guy on your side. This is a man I trust with my life. And that's saying alot.

He is loyal, sometimes too loyal to the point that he opens himself up to being hurt or worse, manipulated. At once shrewd but also gentle, he has never shied away from helping others even at the cost of his own time and money. In a society that looks down on those who are not of a certain race, he has broken the stereotypes and challenged those who would judge him on the basis of his skin colour and not his character.

Furthermore, this man i've come to love as David did Jonathan(and vice-versa) is worthy of the greatest respect simply for his fillial piety to his parents. I've had the privilege of seeing the proof of the pudding and also hearing from him on how much the family means to him. Raj, Rupen, if you ever thought that Raveen doesn't care for and love you, take it from me that you are greatly mistaken. I have not met(next to our Heavenly Father and your parents of course) anyone who cares for your well-being more than him.

I shall not go into his soccer skills for they are almost legendary in quality - it's a shame he wasn't born in a country where these skills would have made a star out of him. There's still hope yet! Watch out MLS! Freddy Adu who?

I have too often borne the whip or the knife that hurt my bruddar, yet he still accepts me and loves me in a way I find incomprehensible. His magnanimity and graciousness is a sure reflection of our Lord, and for that I am eternally grateful. Thank you bro, and please forgive me for those times that I have failed you so miserably.

His creativity and quick wit/mind are invaluable assets to have. On countless occasions he has managed to turn a crisis into a success. He doesn't just pull rabbits out of hats, he pulls a whole darn farm. My jaw drops when I try and analyse where these ideas come from, the pool just seems endless. This quality of his will be sorely missed while he is away. I mean, just as any two-bit football coach will tell you, you always need a match-winner. Well, Raveen is that and then some.

Humour. Everyone who knows Raveen knows him to be the funny guy. He can work a crowd like no one i've seen before. Even the stone cold faces melt at his ability to make them laugh. His comic timing and delivery of punchlines are superb, almost straight out of a seasoned professional. I kid you not(pun intended).

Above all of these things, Raveen is a man who loves God whole-heartedly. There is always a joy and twinkle in his eye, something I attribute to the fact that he is one who is at peace with his Maker. The joy of the Lord is something that is so evident in him, and it's at once infectious and contagious even. Of all his qualities this is the one I love the best. Simply because that his love for God spills over into all other aspects of his life. And that just makes this juxtaposition of characteristics so amazing - it's held together by God. Bro, your love for Him inspires me to walk closer to Him, if for nothing else than to experience the peace and joy that shines from your very countenance each and every day.

Come 2007, this pillar, this rock, this man that I call my bruddar will be leaving Singapore for the browner pastures of Plano, Texas. This man who somehow coordinated the buying of a Playstation 2 and iPod mini for me - to date the most lavish gifts i've ever recieved from friends! - will not be around to go out with me on 2nd Jan 2007. The same person who was there when i got wrongfully detained by the police (ha! bet many of you didn't know that!) and the only one loyal enough to pick up my call immediately after(the rest thought i was calling 'cuz i got arrested =P ).

So here's to Raveen. For the joy and love he brings to my life. I believe he'll find USA a "land of opportunity". I know for a fact that he will do us proud. And if you guys reading this didn't already infer from my post: I love him with all of my heart.

2006-12-04T10:04:00.000+08:00

it's december, and at the insistence of many i must blog.

on a happy note: i passed my driving test! whee.. it feels good now that the hurdle has been crossed, many thanks to JJ for being so kind and understanding and letting me drive his car! thanks bro! you really are a blessing!

december is the best time for reflection and contemplation. For many it represents the chance to close the accounts for the year and look ahead to the new one ahead with steely determination or bright eyed hope.

For those who are searching, weary and in need of rest, Jesus has promised that you shall find it when You find Him. And to find Him requires the littlest of efforts. This Christmas, i urge you all to take a moment off your business to reflect on the greatest gift of all. Perhaps in the quiet moments there you will find Him waiting.

Oh, and my bruddar and I are becoming freakily telepathic - it's kismet i tell you - but do not be alarmed people! we are still normal (i think!).

It's gonna be a weird Christmas, and an even weirded New Year. But His love will see us through.

Happy holidays, everyone.

2006-11-13T18:25:00.001+08:00

"Et tu, Brute?" were, according to legend, the last words of Julius Caesar. In English, the sentence means "You too, Brutus?" or "Even you, Brutus?". It is sometimes translated word-for-word as "And you, Brutus?", but this translation is best avoided, as it can be misleading. The word Brute is pronounced in two syllables, approximately (IPA) [ˈbruːte]; it is sometimes spelled Brutè or Brutë to clarify this.

On March 15, 44 BC, Julius Caesar was stabbed by an angry group of senators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, Caesar's great friend and senator. Caesar initially resisted his attackers, but when he saw Brutus, he supposedly spoke those words and resigned himself to his fate.

It is almost certain that Caesar did not actually say these exact words. Ancient sources report that he either died wordlessly or said "Καὶ σὺ τέκνον" (Kai su, teknon?), Greek for "You too, my child?" (Suetonius, De Vita Caesarum, LXXXII). The Latin version was made famous by William Shakespeare, who used it in his play, Julius Caesar (act 3, scene 1,77).

People often cite this quotation when they feel they have been betrayed. This is normally done tongue-in-cheek, as a snowclone, with the name Brute replaced with something more appropriate (or humorous), e.g., "Et tu, Delia?"

i have to go now but i will explain what this means in my next post!

someone i love with all my heart can really agree with the above right about now.

2006-10-21T19:29:00.000+08:00

my elder brother is getting married. wow. i've lots to say about the stuff i've learnt. but perhaps it is fitting to write something bout my kor kor.

He's the stable one of the 3 of us - seriously, his consistency is rock-solid. i've caused my parents plenty of grief over the years that compared to him i'd be like Hitler and he'll probably be MacArthur or Churchill or something. thank God my parents have never compared the both of us. My sister is like a well-baked pie, raw at first but maturing later to become both incredibly tasty and well-liked. I'm like a chilli padi(though not in size!) because i often leave people drenched with perspiration due to the anxiety, panic or anger i cause them. Ha! plus i've a hot-head and a hot tongue. my brother? well if i could describe him using food, i'd say he's a cucumber - versatile and cool. he's also probably the smartest of the 3. An accomplished musician and an inspiring leader, he is widely and correctly regarded as a God-fearing man who has his feet on the ground but his heart to the heavens. I hate to say it, but yes, he probably is the better looking of us - me and him (you won't catch me repeating this in public so save this post if you have to! haha)

He is incredibly filial. While i am still living off my Father-Mother Scholarship, my brother is earning his own $$ as well as giving money to my parents. Unlike me, who courts controversies with reckless abandon, my brother has been a steady ship over the years, someone whom you can call whenever the going gets tough.

we were close when we were younger - although being e little brother who's 8 years younger meant that sometimes i got bullied, nothing serious, just boys being boys. My brother was on the prefectorial board and i remember getting him into trouble once - he was in Secondary school and i was in primary school. I used his school's staff toilet and got caught. I think that incident caused him some trouble in school, not too much i hope. i mean, after all i was a tyke of only 7 or 8, the teacher should have loosened up right!

Growing up we kinda drifted apart, maintaining a safe and easy distance between us. Sure we had our fair share of quarrels and arguments, but for some misguided reason or another i just grew up believing my brother only cared for my parents and my sister. The bond we shared diminished over the years. You could say that we are kind of polar opposites. For example, he's neat and organized while i am.. 'nuff said.
He's clever and has done the family proud in his studies and in school, whereas i have pretty much bumbled and disappointed my way through school. He's cool and composed, never entering into heated arguments with my parents like i have over the years, rushing in with a sharp tongue but blunt attitude. However, one thing i never lost for him was my utmost respect, even longing - i wanted so much to be like my brother. to love God and serve Him the way kor does. To make my family proud of me, that they wouldnt have to hem and haw everytime someone asked about me. to be like him.

when i was in Sec 4, my incredibly injudicious, misled vice-principal - ok, so i was a teenage terror - made the ill-advised mistake of saying that i was "beyond hope" to my brother. My brother lambasted her on the spot, putting that silly twat in her place immediately. My parents later recounted to me that he defended be with a zest and zeal that was incongruous with his usual calm demeanour. needless to say, i never saw him in a bad light again.

I've written plenty, but i've only managed to give you guys even less than a glimpse of all that he is. I'll probably never be able to describe him fully. It just wouldn't do justice to his ability and his character.

So here's to you, kor. May you and Cherry enjoy the best times together. May our Glorious Lord be the Lord of your home, your family and bless the both of you with His love and presence each and every day of your lives. May you find His mercies unto you new every morning.

Oh and though you've never heard me say this before (not out loud anyway), please know this:

I love you.

2006-10-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

my bruddar and mei mei always put me to shame in the blogging stakes - but then again, i was never as gifted as they are in writing! ;)

these past few weeks have been great to me, though i'm getting busier with work and all. I hope to share with all of you some thoughts on what i've learnt and what i've experienced soon!

anyway, just wanted to update a little just to create a teaser for what i'll be blogging about - so watch this space. hopefully i'll get down to it soon!

in the meantime, take care all and God bless.

p.s. i miss you tremendously mei! i wish i went to perth too! come back soon k!

p.p.s bro, ur "OFFICial" package is ready!

2006-08-06T21:51:00.000+08:00

"4 For in the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame. 7 For ground that drinks the rain which often falls on it and brings forth vegetation useful to those for whose sake it is also tilled, receives a blessing from God; 8 but if it yields thorns and thistles, it is worthless and close to being cursed, and it ends up being burned.

9 But, beloved, we are convinced of better things concerning you, and things that accompany salvation, though we are speaking in this way. 10 For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints. 11 And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, 12 so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises."

Hebrews 6:4-12

"16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away."

Mark 4:16,17

i am disappointed.

2006-08-05T12:02:00.000+08:00

okay! so on tuesday evening i went for a 2 movie marathon - okay, not much of a marathon but still one by my meagre standards!

the first one was not too bad, i'm sure mei mei can better explain all the technical terms and stuff of the movie. found it quite refreshing from the standard fare that is going on right about now! by the way, i watched hoodwinked - it's a cartoon parody of little red riding hood.

the second one had a moment that got me thinking about God. i hardly believe that that was the producer's intention, but still, God works in mysterious ways, doesn't He? he often reveals Himself to you in ways that you never thought possible. Scene in question was one where the protagonist's girlfriend left him a video msg, telling him that he was "such a fool" for thinking she didn't know that he was sick. as you can see, i won't reveal what show it is haha if not those of you reading this who have yet to watch it will kill me! back to the point, she also said something to the effect that it was harder for her not to do anything even though she knew, just because he wanted to bear it - the pain, the sickness, the repercussions, the misery - alone.

God is saying the very same to us all even today.

"My child, (not fool!) why do you choose to bear this alone? I have already borne the full measure of your suffering on the Cross. Don't you know that I love you? Don't you know that it breaks my heart every time you suffer alone? Why won't you reach out to me and receive the cure - My Son Jesus the Christ?"

Its not from His lack of ability or wanting, its from our choice to shield it away from Him.

This disease we call sin - encompassing pride, lust, selfishness, anger and the like - as well as the effects - cancer, heart attacks, stroke, high blood etc. - will be even more minute that neutrons and atoms if shown in the glory of our Lord (although even this comparison doesn't do justice to the magnificence of God)

Won't you make the choice today? Christ came to give the answer not for the saved, but the unsaved.

Just a thought from watching that show.

2006-07-31T18:59:00.000+08:00

woo hoo! another post for me! yaay

i have been thinking alot about what i'd do when i get my car. It got me to thinking..

you see, everyone i've ever known with a car has been absolutely wonderful to me. They given me a lift when i really needed one, sometimes even when i don't! even when it's out of the way, or when they'd probably need a rest or something, people have offered to give me a lift to virtually anywhere.

so i've decided that when i get a car, i shan't turn away anyone in need, unless i'm rushing for time or something.. because i know the feeling of being blessed, and i think it's only right i bless others in return!

oh yes, speaking of which: I've a new phone! the E-900 yeah yeah!

for the uninitiated: BLUETOOTH ROCKS!

i miss mei mei.

2006-07-29T11:02:00.000+08:00

a pensive and introspective saturday morning for me.

the words used to flow freely, the force of my invective was assured. now i find it hard to string a few coherent sentences together in a last ditch effort to save this blog and all it stands for.

my big big love and appreciation goes out to mei mei and bruddar. both have incessantly reminded me to blog, even when i can't be bothered to even write anything. Both have continually returned to this desert, even when the prospect of reading anything new on the tags, let alone the posts, was near zero (unless they themselves posted something, hurhur).

thank you.

since church camp/mission trip there've been so many things that happened to me. even prior to that things were being stirred. and what an amazing ride it's been.

the thing about me is that i am more like the person on the dole than the person who's just been given a loan to start his company. I like to come back every month asking for the same darn thing that i've been given.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more." - Luke 12:48

this verse sounds awfully familiar. maybe when i have time to browse through my archives i'll find that i wrote about this before.

I don't suffer so much from a lack of ability, more from the lack of good form. I hope i don't sound pretentious or egotistical here. If i do, please pardon me. I am merely making the point that it's not because I can't, it's because i don't - and i'm not talking about bloggging here!

ah well, even blogging about this is not gonna change a thing unless i do something. hope i do though, just like me getting up to post this.

on a lighter note, on sunday aunty Vida had a personal word for me. when she saw me, she pulled me aside and told me, "Nat, you have the gift of healing."

double take. HEALING?!

I was stunned beyond belief! Was she about to reveal a previously unknown gift to me? I've certainly never operated in the gift of healing before!

oops, she said "Worship-leading", not "healing".

my bad.

till another post, then.

peace.

2006-07-27T10:47:00.000+08:00

ok! so i took up the challenge, read my mail, read many blogs and have come to realise something.

sigh.

when will i ever learn?

2006-06-29T22:27:00.000+08:00

GASP! COUGH! CHOKE!

Nat has posted again! This blog lives! And no bro, i won't be going thank you to my faithful readers k!

It's been a faith journey.

A journey where faith has been stretched. Faith has been lost. Broken. But ultimately restored and expanded faster than my growing tummy - which hopefully bro, you and i will rectify ASAP - and right now i know it's been more than worth it.

This week in particular is not being easy on me. I'm dealing with a multitude of thoughts and its really not been easy to put into practice what I shared with the Frontliners on sunday *be glad and rejoice*

I sat there last night, looking into the eyes of one so innocent. One who i've come to love and embrace as family. One whose spare phone number i saved as the "Voice of Truth".

It dawned on me the reality of relationships. Isn't it such a severe stain on humanity that we can't even really cherish what we hold dear till separation beckons? I've resolved never again to lose sight of what i gained on 28 June, even if it means having to embarrass myself with tears or public declarations of love.

Love is a many splendoured thing, not just in a romantic relationship but also in a platonic one. the FL_OC ppl who will giggle in delight at reading this, but: You gain when you give yourself away. Take it from me.

I have so much to say, thoughts i need to pen, emotions i need to verbalize, and yet when it comes down to it, i shrink away faster than a tortoise retreats into his shell.

I've largely tried to run away from the melancholy that threatens to eat me alive and that this blog has been chock-full of, but every minute that passes this week is merely a step forward in fulfilling something i've known about for months but dreaded with all of my heart.

There is hope in this message however...go for Frontliners this sunday to find out!

Till I write again.

2006-05-09T18:30:00.000+08:00

okay! i have to post something!

greetings my faithful and enduring friends and readers! i have returned from my self imposed blog exile, and along the way i have learnt much that i wanna share with you all!

anyway, i'll be back in no time with some birthday reflections - muahahahahah - a darn pity that i was born too late to recieve some of the moolah the government dished out sigh

shoutouts to all who've been reading this blog even though there weren't any updates!

2006-01-30T09:46:00.000+08:00

Something struck me today -

Have you ever tried to impose your will on God? I know i have. I've tried imposing my will on Him in relationships, with regards to school, family, money, career, even ministry. The pattern is usually something as follows: " If you give me what i want, i will serve You all my life/ Get me through this mess and I'll give all that i have to You."

The issue at heart is not so much the prayer, but the condition behind it. Its a blatant attempt to influence God's workings in an area in which we desperately want, not NEED. The problem is not so much the extravagant promise - all of our days for the rest of our lives in return for an answered prayer - but more so in the conditional request.

We're not really putting our lives into God's hands; we are offering the self as an unwilling hostage in exchange for what we want. If God accepts the deal, we will take up religion - not from committment to God but as payment. If we were truly willing to give our all to God, we would do it in an instant, without condition.

We often complain that our prayers go unanswered. What we mean is that we aren't given the answer what we want. We should be ashamed at all the fist-shaking at God! I know i am. After all, if He denied the prayers of Jesus and Paul, why should I deserve any differntial treatment? Yet in both Jesus' and Paul's situation we see His nature and His Hand, working out in love and grace. We see the will of the Father. Luke 22:43 tells us that as Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken, "an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him." God told Paul, who had been pleading with Him to remove a thorn in his flesh, that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." God gave Paul an earth-shaking gift: His strength to fill the apostle's weak spot, not only making him stronger but displaying God's awesome working power in Him.

Neither Jesus nor Paul got the answer that they prayed for, yet each received answers much larger than he prayed for. God accomplished His purpose in them and at the same time met their needs by giving them strength to bear the burden. In the long run God met their needs - not in a way that spared them pain but in a way that accomplished a greater good.

Many of our prayers that seem to be ignored are answered in this manner. God gives us strength to overcome our weaknesses. Instead of letting us sink into weakness and fail to accomplish His greater purposes by removing the pain/obstacle, He lets us bear the pain and gives us greater strength. Our suffering makes us more like Him. It burns out of us all that is not eternal so that what's left can stand pure before Him.

Submitted prayer like Jesus prayed ("Not my will but Yours be done") can be an instrument to blend our wills with His. God will not violate our will, but He urges you to do what you are made to do and submit your will to His and find supreme joy as a result. Prayer is an aid to aligning your will to His.

2006-01-25T19:14:00.000+08:00

conundrum - A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma

they seem to be everywhere in my life. the one true and inescapable reality that i live in.

the choices seem clear cut, blindingly obvious even. The clear leading is there. The Lord is directing.

then why is it i am taking so long to stumble my way past the signs and onto the pathways?

years of mediocrity are beginning to take its toll. Rise up, i hear. Yet it seems my feet are cast in stone.

if ever there was a disguised cry for help - this is it.

2006-01-02T02:46:00.000+08:00

yaay! new year, new blogskin! a celebration of all things apple ^_^

a merry x'mas and a happy new year to one and all!

2005-12-26T12:25:00.000+08:00

christmas has come and gone.

2005 has come and is going.

well, judging by events around me at the end of this year, its safe to say:

2006 can't get any worse than this.

merry x'mas and a happy new year to you.

2005-11-15T15:47:00.000+08:00

2005-10-07T12:09:00.000+08:00

and so the great countdown begins - 14 days till i embark on a journey where most people say i will become a man. where the boy in me sheds his skin and takes on a manly glow.

crap.

i'd rather stay boyish my whole life. I dare not even express my opinions on what should be my PERSONAl and PRIVATE blog, lest i break Article 100000025, small print, chapter 5923049234, para 2202020202 of some new Act(that even the people who made it are unaware of) and then you'll see this site and it's author in the news. But suffice it to say that I am not looking forward in any way to the blessed date of 21 Oct.

It really boggles the mind to know how many pple actually WANT me to go in - am i some sort of scourge or something, a plague that pple actually WANT to not see me for a few weeks, happy to see me in the blessed bastion of masculinity that every male in Singapore, bless his soul, will have to report to once he reaches the age of eligibility?

Fair enough to those who say that its a rite of passage, something that is due all males at the appointed time.

ever since i've turned 16 i don't think i've prayed ever more fervently than for the Lord to return - or take me away even - by this date. Like some patient told he has only till 21st October to live, i sit awaiting my fate - for lack of a better word.

It seems second nature to some, and yet to me I feel like my whole life is being ripped apart from me. There is much i want to do, to say, and yet it seems a fortnight is altogether too short to accomplish even half of what i set out to do.

i really wish my blog would sound more like the other one i have, where my dear mei mei always posts entries filled with such joy and humour - alas, the curse of the artist in me lives on. For without melancholy i find no inspiration, without loss no words, without sadness no song.

Gosh. The impending date has already begun it's evil work in me, sapping me of my joy way before it should.

let it be made known both now and forevermore:

I HATE THE ARMY.

2005-09-28T19:29:00.000+08:00

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.

Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.

Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
Ev'n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.

What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.

2005-09-26T12:12:00.000+08:00

The Lord giveth,

And the Lord taketh away,

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

2005-09-20T10:19:00.000+08:00

a letter to someone, someplace, sometime -

its been a long and arduous journey. its been eventful, to say the least. there is no doubt in my mind that every single thing that has happened over the past 1850 or so days will shape my attitudes, my perceptions, my thoughts, my actions, my speech - my life.

i don't know which poet said "parting 'tis such sweet sorrow" but i know that if i met him or her today i would shake his/her hand and tell that person that this phrase is right on the money. because parting is, at once bitter and at once sweet.

believe me when i say that i know exactly how you feel. every nuance, every stab of pain. the mind that seeks to hold on to what is impossible to hold on to, clinging on to every last hope, every last possiblity. I will not deny you that. my prayer is that the desperate need you feel to make sense of life and love will draw you to Him who is ultimately the source of life and love. Who better than Him to comfort you in your moment of need?

Up to this point you have made the much of the fact of the adverse effects this decision brings to you. I bring now to the table more who will be affected.

Friends around will no doubt express shock that an institution that has remained open (and closed and open and closed) for so long will be shut down. They will find themselves traversing the awkard silences, the unspoken hurt, the tear stained eyes, straddling the line between taking sides and not being seen as caring.

But the issue of friends is merely the tip of the iceberg. As humans are inclined to do, some will take sides, many will talk and few will listen. I can't stop them from doing so and I will not be foolish enough to sit down and whine about rumour mongerers and gossipers. But what about those who are impressionable but do not know the truth of the matter? Hearsay will be all they have to take as truth. The aftershocks of this earthquake (with all due respect to those suffering from the aftereffects of Hurricane Katrina) will be painful too. Genuine damage has been done to our credibility, our witness, our testimony. And yet i have faith that the Spirit's influence to change our lives will bear greater fruit than the seeds of the flesh that Satan sows.

there are more that will be affected but I wish to bring to your attention a person who will be as greatly overwhelmed, if not more, as you.

I am closing a chapter of my life that i have written and rewritten so many times that it's starting to look like a drama serial more than my life. soap operas have fewer twists than what has been going on. Its come to a point where i don't know what to make of it. Back and forth, push and pull, this arduous, long and winding road is entering its last twist and is heading for the home straight. if you think that this is an easy decision, think again. It is not as clear as a verdict you once thought it to be.

I have been an active participant too for these past few years - and if i may so boldly claim, i have been more active than you. Surely you will credit me with that. Time and money is dispensable, but i have poured in these and more willingly. I have opened my heart time and time again, exposed it to betrayal and hurt, made it vulnerable when i had decided i wanted it hardened. And let me tell you now, i regret none of it. for it has led me to this moment in my life, when the Lord has revealed to me why 1 Cor 13 is so important. and i realise that He has been using the situation to teach me priceless truths that i will hold dear as long as i shall live.
And yet it is with more than a tinge of sadness that i release you to Him. I love and care for you and i always will, but this love is the love that He has given to me. I love you with the love of Christ. One that does not want to see you fall far from Him, but to seek Him with all of your heart. He has promised in Jeremiah 29:13,14 that you "will seek Me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." and as a result He will "be found by you".

You may think that this is easy, but it's not. I take with me not only the good times, but the bad and ugly also. Like i said, i do not love you any less, i merely love you differently. Those who I have shared with will understand what i mean.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through, but I know now what I must do, and it is even more painful, presumptious as it may sound. Letting go and letting Him will be the hardest thing I have to do. Remember one of the songs I let you listen? "The Hardest Thing" by 98 Degrees. If you listen to it and reflect on it in context with what I am telling you now, you will know what it's like for me.

But I didn't write this to tell you to feel bad for me, to blame yourself for what you've done over these past years or for me to gain sympathy votes. I wrote this to tell you from a position of experience, let Him deal with your pain. Let Him show you that His love is perfect. Let Him be the Love of your heart. And in doing so you will find greated purpose, greater joy, greater fulfillment in life than you've ever had.

Thank you for everything you've ever done for me. Truly, the magnitude with which you have given is mind-boggling.

your friend always,

- nat -

2005-08-31T09:10:00.000+08:00

firstly, thanks for all the well-wishes, concern and really most of all, the prayers.

the aftermath of the accident on sunday left me feeling really drained - and yet in a warm way it seemed to bond the whole family together. not only that, the Body of believers also showed truly how deep the extent of their love for fellow believers in Christ.

thank you all for your wonderful messages of love and hope, of inspiration.

for the uninformed - i have decided to lose PLENTY of weight. why? cuz when your blood pressure is higher than your dad's, its a slap in the face from your body to tell you something is wrong.

but i must now head down to another direction in this post - one of absolute frustration.

i wish i could just fly away. fly to some place high in the cliffs where i can sit in solitude and think about the past 20 years of my life, think of the coming 20 years and just make concrete plans about fulfilling them. this life and what i have made of it thus far just makes no sense to me at all. my misery is compounded when i am constantly reminded not only of these failings but also the misguided accusations that are hurled my way. is it really entirely impossible for everyone to remain neutral?

sometimes i really wish that the dear Lord would just return soon (Oct 20 haha!) but that is such a selfish thought considering the masses that have yet to hear of Him. I can't help it though. I really wonder if one of my gifts seem to be driving people who care about me far away. the talent of alienating your true friends and family.

maybe it's how i've been living this life of mine that's the problem. i have constantly sought the approval of those around me, even when gaining that approval was to my detriment. somehow along the way, i became someone who's approval was sought and maybe thats why i am the person that i am today.

"having the form but not the power"

ah well, my featurish column has not taken off because i am so narcissistic that i can't even pause for awhile to observe the world around me before i start making sweeping statements about my own life.

i hope to reward you readers (ha!) - evidently from the tags on the board there are only 2 - with some insightful commentary on the outside world (double ha!)but as long as i feel this ache in my heart to tie up loose ends i will be unable to do so. anyway cheerios and try not to break a leg or neck or something today.

2005-08-26T21:17:00.000+08:00

life can be like the weather in singapore. one moment its raining, then whaddya know! its bright and clear. and just as soon as you ditch the umbrella and fuddy duddy sweater set for the cute spaghetti top and mini-skirt combi (not that i ever leave the house dressed in that) the rain starts to pour.

thats how i feel right now about my life. the good always comes with the bad, and yet the bad seems to come right in just when things seem good.

and yet i don't want to whine and moan and groan about the pains of living, or delving further deeper the pains of human relationships, i can't help but wonder if there is more than this. that there is more to it than the agony i'm suffering, that there is more to this life than the slack and rather inefficient way i'm living it.

how does one pull one's self out of the funk that comes with hours of inactivity? when the mind is dulled by hours of staring at a computer screen, when the soul thirsts and hungers for more of Him due to the constant starvation of nourishment for the spirit, soul and mind?

for how long must one suffer the ignominy of backstabbing, for how long does one have to pretend that the people who say hi are not people who would within that same breath spew forth lies to damn that person? for how long does one have to live with leaders who posture back and forth politically? and for how long does one have to live in constant sensitivity to all these?

not for long is the answer. for where once was strength there is weakness, for where once was joy there is sorrow. and the saddest part of all is that He has promised that there is no need for any of these. All that is required is belief. Belief that comes from knowing the One who has given those same promises.

Its fine and good knowing the answers - its how you apply them that counts.

2005-08-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

a friend of mine left for New York today.

parting is such sweet sorrow.

many thoughts on my mind, hopefully they'll coagulate soon enough into coherent thoughts so that i can blog about them.

i love my bruddar.

i love my mei - the terrific beyonce bouncer.

beyond that, however, i'm sure we should find a compromise.

2005-08-22T13:21:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt like your past never leaves you? like no matter what you do, the shadow of your past always hangs around you, like a fog on a misty day.

i'm not referring to past r/s, just the past in general. so don't get the wheels in your head spinning around. i am seriously troubled. so i sit here on my bed watching the telly, yet not quite watching, eating and yet not nourished. and i wonder what it is i have to do the erase the shadow of my past. mistakes that come back to haunt me, words i've said that i regret.

the power of hindsight is that it allows one to make corrections to what you've done wrong. reflection and all that jazz. but wait, how does one escape the vindictive eye of the general public?

perhaps this is a scathing sign of how degenerate our society is, when to go far all you need is to be in the elite group of opinion makers. if you shape them, you shape yourselves. and to an even more chilling extent, if you are a person of influence within this group, you get to shape the way they respond towards other people.

i've tried and i've tried. as far as possible i've tried not to play this game of political posturing. i've maintained my sincerity, even towards those who have not been forthcoming with theirs toward me. and yet time and time again i find myself having to respond to vicious lies or just mere curiousity that manifests itself as gossip. i mean, if you are curious about something, wouldn't your curiosity be quenched by getting to the very heart of the matter, to the root of your questioning?

the notion of "innocent until proven guilty" should ring through in all settings, whether it be a court room or even the household. in a place where gifts such as grace and mercy, love and compassion are preached, i'd like to believe that this giving the benefit of the doubt should be afforded the accused even more than any other place. and yet it is within those walls that it seems customary, nay orthodox even, to practice the most unorthodox of ways of getting questions answered or to just say your piece. what is even more ironic is that in a place that exists purely because of love and forgiveness, those same qualities are often found lacking.

i'd like to put a disclaimer here though, that even though i have these views i have not attempted in any way to spread them. i am not trying to incite any fire, nor am i trying to indoctrinate any of those around me. Anyway, i'm not one of those opinion former types. so if you're reading this and are concerned, i'd like to put you at ease by telling you that i'm not trying to attack the foundations of any institution nor am i trying to use the public arena to spread some venom. these are merely heartfelt thoughts about certain issues. anyway, i think that for the most part i have written this as truthfully and as succint as i possibly can. and for the most part, i have written this diplomatically and without an inch of malice.

back to the point - why is it regulation that in order to address an issue you go behind the backs of the people involved? i find that highly ineffective and potentially fatal for the said people. when you have something to say, or a grievance to air, wouldn't it be far more practical to go straight to the parties involved rather than telling the whole world - even the bus driver or chicken rice seller - and trying to shape their opinions? sometimes your views are misguided, and how in the world would any of the other parties change those views when all they hear is yours?

then again, i do realise that the salting of one's reputation or the spreading of gossip in itself could be the agenda. but slap me silly and call me susan, i'd really like to believe that people are not that vicious. i want to believe that people care, that they just show it wrongly or just go through the wrong channels. sad to say though, such a rose-tinted view of the world, or without venturing so far, the you-know-where(sms me if you don't know the answer :D )is just asking for disappointment.

ah well, i guess that even in writing this some may be offended and do exactly what i have written, spreading rumours and gossip and just plain alarming the whole universe that i am a spiteful little boy with a blog that everyone reads - i'm just kidding, i know that the sum of my viewers can be whittled down to less than 10 :D - but hey, c'est la vie. if you don't know by now that life is cruel and will treat you unfairly, then i guess you will soon.

anyways, i'm starting kind of a regular (haha!) feature where i'll just pen my thoughts down and come home to blog it for you. wait a minute, thats what a blog is for. okay, so its not an original idea, but consider my personal featurish column in the local newspaper. i hope you'll keep coming back for more ;p

if you have any contributions to what i've written, pls tag on my board! oh do leave an alias that i can recognize you by so that we can have some sort of discussion :D i am certainly not so stuck up to think that my views are the gospel truth, in fact i may be totally wrong! so do leave your comments or shoutouts or anything and i'll try to respond asap. oh and one more thing, should you do the cowardly thing and attack me anonymously, get a life. i'm definitely not responding to that - besides its silly and childish and doesn't add any value whatsoever to my darling readers. :D and they are my main concern here.

right, i'm outta here, look forward to my "column" i haven't named it yet though maybe you guys could think of one for me tee hee okay goodbye and have a great day thanks for reading!

2005-08-13T19:28:00.000+08:00

October 21.

And so the great countdown begins. Ever since i was 16 i have been praying long and hard that the Lord would return on the day of my enlistment.

And yet i sit here, in my living room, 10 mins before my beloved Manchester United kick off against the Scouse nonsense rabble that is Everton - i mean, if they could lose to Thailand, what more Man Yoo - and the signs that Jesus is returning soon look bleak.

I've been trying my best to make sense of my life before i enlist. and like my dear old dad has been trying to teach, i've found my life very wanting. mene mene tekel upharsin

There's still much to do before i can write more about this, more reflection is needed. more thought, more discipline, more prayer, more of God is needed.

I guess deep down, all i can say is, pray for me pls. I need as much help as i can get right now.

Shall spare you the full force of my invective till later.

2005-07-29T15:40:00.000+08:00

the unbearable blogness of being.

okay, due to constant complaints that i am either 1. dead, 2. ignorant, 3. lazy, or 4. all of the above and then some, i have decided to address this sore thumb that clearly is poking the ribs of many of you - i am truly touched.

right, life as it is now is not too great. think solomon is ecclesiastes. "vanity of vanities" and "grasping after the wind". After becoming rather proficient at the very non-addictive game that is DotA, i have found that life spent as a bum is rather....boring.

okay, so anyway, lost $60 bucks that day to some unknown person who got an unexpected windfall - mei mei if you're reading this i'm sorry because i think it got transferred to someone else's a/c.

Pray for Pet, her ear's going through issues - much like veen and me :D

yup, i don't know what else to blog about. You know i've been reading alot about these popular blogs like Mr Brown, SPG and what not. And how these blogs have caught the media's attention with their scathing and insightful entries.

like seriously, i don't envy that. if you are insightful, you are. why bother making stupid and senseless statements on whats happening in the world if all you're trying to do is create an impression on some poor luckless journalist who got the crap job of surfing through other people's blogs? how does that account for news?

absolute crap if you ask me.

but thats just me i guess, i'm being silly and opinionated as usual.

well peace out people, i hope the next time i blog it won't be a leap year.

oh and everyone say happy birthday to joanna! the 20 year old GIRL. :D a special one she is - and i'm sure we'd all agree on that ;) ben ben's THIRTY years old. my my.

2005-07-14T15:12:00.000+08:00

hello all! i'm finally back for all and sundry to give my two cents worth on anything and everything at all.

but i don't feel particularly inspired now so i'll write again later.

or not.

or i will.

cheers and keep coming back and tagging and being oh so lovely!

i hope to reward your patience soon.

2005-07-03T17:02:00.000+08:00

2005-05-31T23:12:00.000+08:00

time has passed and life seems altogether to short to be nitpicky about little things in life.

Heard the news about Kin Yew's parents and Dawn. Am in utter shock. I spent the next few hours asking God in my heart, why a family who has devoted themselves to Him were allowed to suffer such.

Beneath the "righteous" indignance however, i realised that God allows everything for a reason. It seems rather childish to say that "we know not the plans of God" and therefore leave things to a russian roulette system - but yet the Bible tells us clearly to have child-like faith.

Thank the Lord for the miracles that He has already done in this situation - and I believe that no matter the outcome, the Lord will show Himself strong to the Ling family.

It seems utterly silly to spout nonsense about our lives, to complain about the little hardships that come our way in comparison to this. Maybe we in Singapore are really spoilt beyond reason.

We complain about our lives. We get worked up over the silliest things. We gossip, we backstab, we hurt one another. We do things to one another that we wouldn't dare dream of doing to our flesh and blood, yet the Bible says that we are all of One Body, One Fellowship. Since that is true, we are all brothers and sisters and it really bites to see family fighting with one another over such silly matters.

All i know is, life is too short for such trivialities.

Thank You Lord for keeping them alive. Please restore them to full health. By Your stripes that You bore on the cross, they are healed.

2005-05-11T16:37:00.000+08:00

"After suffering a flat tire and being stripped of all their money and possessions, married couple Uchenna & Joyce battled back from last place to win THE AMAZING RACE and the $1 million prize. Engaged couple Rob & Amber, who suffered a huge blow when Uchenna & Joyce got tickets on their flight to Miami at the last moment, took second place after becoming lost in Little Havana. A wrong turn heading to the airport in San Juan, Puerto Rico forced former POW and pageant queen Ron & Kelly to take a later flight to Miami, resulting in a third-place finish."

:'(

twoguysandaprincess

2005-05-10T20:53:00.000+08:00

alright i guess i'm done - lemme know wot you guys think! //runsoff`

-p e t r i n a *

2005-04-29T02:12:00.000+08:00

its late. what am i doing blogging? i have absolutely no idea.

Lately the seemingly non-existential meaning of my existence (ha-ha) has been beginning to bug me.

For those of you who know me (and not those of you who think you do - refer to player1 for more misguided info), you'll know that recently i've had to deal with a rather painful event. An event which has shaken me to my very core.

Its not often that I feel this way, as incredulous as it may sound. I do have light-hearted moments although they seem a million miles away in this blog. I don't know. Call it the "curse of the artist". It seems that lyrical, aesthetic or otherwise substantial content has to be "inspired" by melancholy and other such disagreeable emotions. Someone said that Chris Martin - he of Coldplay fame (also known as MR Gwyneth Paltrow) was in trouble because "great wife, great house, great career, and now plus a baby, great family - now what the hell does he have to write about?"

Anyway, that long-winded explanation was to illustrate that sometimes I tend to over emphasize the bad over the good in this blog - but please, do not take it to mean that nothing good ever happens to me.

First, let me state that i miss my dad ALOT! He's in Manilla now doing crusade work and i really miss him. Thank God for PJ, Ben Ben, KY & especially my bruddar. (mei mei, you're included too!)

There's someone else i neglected to mention but if you're reading this thank you! you've been like the air - always there even if you can't see it or even feel it.

Well..

Life has been sorta a struggle. I've been blessed with an extraordinary thirst for reading His word. And i have much to catch up on, trust me. But yet at the same time, i have this feeling of unfulfillment - like i'm missing the bigger picture. The days slip into nights and nights into days.. but even with the sense of urgency within i still find it.. surreal.

Reflection on my life thus far has brought much revelation. The power of hindsight. ANd most importantly, the Spirit - who is even now still convicting me of things i've done in the past which i've kept hidden for so long.

This is in part an open letter to all of you who may take issue with things i've done. Call me, sms me, write me - anything. Let me know how i've wronged you in the past and I assure you, i am willing to pay penance for it. For the most part i've begun the process of reconciliation a long time ago, but it seems these actions may have been misread. The truth is, however, that I am taking steps to right my wrongs. Anyone who says that I am beyond hope is a liar - for Christ has saved me. And part of that deal is repentance - and i'm doing my utmost best to complete my end.

Lord, thank You for the yearning deep within my soul that You have placed. Indeed, the Deep is calling to deep. Empower me Lord to do Your will, and grant me a heart of humility to accept all that You convict me of. Lord I pray that You will help me to be a better instrument for You. Lord, grant me the ability to stay focused on the race. Lord, set eternity in my heart, that I may no longer be disatisfied with life on earth, for we are only passing through. Help me to die to myself and surrender my all to You Lord. Though I may claim to love You, I know that my inability to surrender all is in part because I do not know You well enough. Lord help me to know You and love You more each day, for once I know Your Heart I would realise that You only have the GREATEST LOVE for me, and that because of that Love I can assuredly give up my all - for which Father would give His son bad gifts?

Lord for every life that I've wronged, for every heart that I've broken, for every hurtful word I've uttered, please forgive me. Lord I also pray that all who may have been offended by me will forgive me too. Lord I do not ask that I be popular, but Lord I ask that You give me Your heart of Love to better minister to the Body. Lord help me to say the words that You want me to say, to do the things that You want me to do. I pray Lord, that You will bind this church as ONE body and loose Your healing, forgiveness, compassion, grace, mercy and love amongst us. Lord help us to forgive one another and to stop this strife and gossip that spreads. Lord the work of the Enemy is evil but Your Word in Romans 12 says to "overcome evil with good." Lord I pray that in all areas of my life I will live out that Word.

Lord I thank You for Your sovereignity. Please continue to speak to my spirit and guide me along the path that You have set out for me. I will seek only to obey You and to follow You, all the days of my life. Amen.

Pray for me brothers and sisters. I sense a major breakthrough on the way. But I am merely at the tip. Pray that I may plunge over and deep.

Stay tuned for updates.

2005-04-26T20:22:00.000+08:00

I am addressing this to you. You who has thus far spread malicious lies about me. To you who has consistently misquoted and manipulated those around you. To you who apparently doesn't know that you are wrong.

I've moved past the anger and the bitterness to realise that what i should really be concerned about is you. I am hurt and angry at these false accusations which you leveled at me. But even more so, i am hurt that the Body has to suffer because of this. I am not saying that you are the instrument of the Devil. Neither am i saying that I judge you in any way. Because i am not fit to. Jesus died for MY sins as much as He died for yours. I am a sinner who was and is redeemed, just as YOU are, for the glory of the Risen Lord.

This situation is causing much grief to the Body. This is not how we should be handling issues that matter to us. As much as i've struggled to come to terms with it, you are not the enemy here. The gossiping is. The back-stabbing is. And these fiery arrows strike right at the heart of the Church. We should all be concentrating on putting these fires out, not fanning the flames. And that is what i am afraid may be happening here.

Let me first apologize for my harsh words that i wrote 2 entries ago. Please try to understand, that was at the height of my anger and indignance. The Lord has dealt and is even now still dealing with me, teaching me to practice what He preached - grace, love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness - these and more which He gave so freely. I would be hypocritical if I harboured any grudge against you, for Christ didn't think twice about laying down His life for my sins. And so, I hope you accept my deepest and really, most sincere apologies. I apologize for thoughts that went through my mind regarding the matter as well.

I am pleading with you, beseeching you to carefully consider the price of your actions. Of your words. In not just issues regarding me but in every other issue and area of your life. I am deeply grieved by that which has been said by you about me, but yet it doesn't grieve me as much as it does to know that you will not be able to fully comprehend nor fulfill the purpose that He has set out for you IF you do not place your actions and your tongue under His control. It saddens me deeply to look upon what people would say as hypocrisy on your part. I choose to call it misguidedness. I have seen first hand the power of a life that has sold out totally to God. And no doubt you and I have heard and read about countless testimonies too. That is what we should strive for. We are no longer condemned by sin. God uses sinners like us for His purposes too! Think Moses, David, Paul. They all had sinned too. But yet the Word shows us the true extent of their redemption as well.

I love you as a member of the Body of Christ. You are FAMILY to me. And as a member of the Family I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. I don't wish for you to become bitter, or broken. I just want this whole thing to end.

I am praying for you, that you (and I) will realise that this situation does no one any good. It is hindering us from doing the work that He has set out for us. And I pray that we will both move past the hurt and pain and truly live a life for His glory.

Lord, heal every broken friendship and relationship in church. For we know, we are family. And though every family goes through times of struggle, we need only look to You to realise that You have every answer. Your love, your grace, your faithfulnes, your mercy, and so much more that words can not describe. I thank You for Your sovereignity and I pray that you will help me to forgive, for You forgave me though I was unworthy. I pray that You will sow the seeds of reconciliation and that You will help all of us live for Your Glory. In Jesus name, Amen.

Take care. I will be praying for this to end, as well as for you. May the Spirit continue to convict us and change us for the betterment of His purposes.

2005-04-22T21:55:00.000+08:00

I don't understand. Why does it have to be such? I've exhausted every available avenue that i can, and yet it's as though i'm dead to you. How did things become this way?

Just 24 hours earlier we had been conversing as if there were no tomorrow.

Stealthily, like the sudden rush of a hurricane, everything changed.

Like a child who had spent all afternoon and evening playing in the sandbox, only to find that day had turned to night.

Like a toddler who, in pausing for just that one moment to gaze longingly at a toy in the shop window, turned round to find his parents gone.

What have i done?

Out of the blue my world has lost its colour. the moon which once shone so brightly does not now merely spin out of orbit, but is shattered, leaving behind mere fragments. Fragments that i hold so dearly to in fear that they too might disappear if i let them out of my sight just for a second.

It seems my galaxy is a juxtaposition of failure. A comedy of errors. But above all, why does it seem that my gravitational pull doesn't attract but instead repels all whom i hold dear?

This is the second time in less than a month that i have had to deal with the melancholy of departure. And both times i could not have wished more for than the exact opposite.

Is this path on which i travel a path in which i must bear in solitude?

I am neither angry nor disappointed. i am highly downhearted. disconsolate. devastated. demoralised. desolate. dejected. disheartened. downcast.

you two were the pillars on which i leaned on during my darkest hours. Even in face of violent oppression and false persecution you rejected the lies and stood on my side. The both of you have always shone brightest. It was together with you that i rose triumphant.

THREE IS NOT A CROWD. You know that. He does. I do.

Yet now i am left with the crushing reality, the vanquishing of the recently uplifted spirit.

Do not take this wrongly. I do not seek to accuse you nor do i seek to wail and blame you for ANYTHING at all.

But whatever you do, wherever you are, remember this: I will only hold you in the highest regard, the greatest fondness, my best wishes, and all my love.

2005-04-20T21:32:00.000+08:00

Okay, so i've been working at ESPN for the past few days. Not too bad i reckon. Managed to fit right in - it was as if i was never away.

Life is weird. Surreal. Army is coming. And i am finding my way after some tough times.

Stay tuned.

2005-04-15T13:37:00.000+08:00

It seems the profligacy and dissipation has finally taken it's toll. Above all else my only fear was you. and even the sacred grove that is our friendship, that is our galaxy - if you read this you'll know why i chose this word - has not been left unblemished.

i can only imagine the motivation that drives such hateful behaviour. Yet was it not David who spared Saul's life saying, "I will never up my hand against him, for he is the Lord's anointed..."

I thank you for trying. I'd like to believe that your love for me drove you to try. And for that I thank you.

Your words have been damning. It has almost been as though you were part of the jury that passed verdict, looking upon me with silent shame, as if to say, "How could you? I thought I knew you?"

Just as i thought i knew those that seek to destroy me.

By the word of their testimony they seek to destroy me.

By the acts of their hands they seek to destroy me.

By the silent gathering of arms and spreading of wild fires they seek to destroy me.

If my time has truly come, may i go quietly like Jesus - for even He was betrayed by a kiss.

Fools!

Do you think that I know not of my wrongdoings? Do you honestly think that the sins of my past went unpunished? I am paying full restitution for the heinous deeds that I have committed and am still in the process of doing so. If you so desire take it up with the one who is at the heart of this.

Go ahead, cast the first stone. Cast all your stones if it will fulfill your "righteous" anger. If it will fulfill your damning hatred.

Above all else, i lament the "loss" of you. You have remained blameless throughout. And i sincerely hope that you will at least remember me by the love i have always sought to shower.

2005-04-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

"What a wonderful world..."

yeah right. louis armstrong on crack. writing songs on a high.

okay i apologize for being Mr Cynical. if you know anything about me at all, you'd know that i'm not normally in this foul or cynical a mood. But circumstances have conspired to throw me a HUGE spannar in the complicated and multi-faceted bunch of mishaps i like to call my life. so far denying reality has worked a treat.

at the end of every major time in your life (Primary to Secondary School, Sec sch to poly/JC etc.), all the troubles or crap you've ever had to face in these years should be gathered and summarily burned in a semestral bonfire.

Why does mine seem to pile up and continually increase every day?

In fact, the pile is beginning to look like my room - don't laugh, mei mei.

Life just doesn't seem fair anymore. Life just doesn't seem to hold any surprises except the great conspiracy to make my life just about as fun as a Jew in Germany during the 1940s - apologies, i am not making light of the Holocaust. I am merely drawing a comparison.

Yeah i know, it's easy to assume that your problems are bigger than anyone else's. It's easy to think that no one's ever gone through what you have before. And you know what? I agree. it is easy. and while i am in this mood, i'll do just that, thank you very much.

I often wish i had the gift of articulation - much like my mei mei and bruddar. Much like the 2 moons that orbit Mars, they are my two suns. But they do not orbit around me of course - i am not so egoistical to pretend as such. Their life does not revolve around me.

back to earth.

I miss my dad. I find it so darn sad that sometimes the people whom you love the most don't seem to show their appreciation for you until you're gone. they just take you for granted over and over. Sorry daddy. I love you.

Oh and the description i mentioned above is applicable to someone - you know who you are.

Life..or something like it.

is there a cure?

School is out, army beckons. In between there is nothingness. "Vanity of vanities.."

The book is closed. The judgement sealed. The verdict delivered.

Self-pity will get you nowhere - surprised to see this here?

I'm sorry for my melancholic self. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for not getting it. I know my fixation with my troubles, with my life is exactly the egoistical thing i hope not to be. but i am sorry. I can't help it. I must grieve and I must mourn. But i understand, I won't heap my burning coals on your shoulders.

Darkness falls, its a cycle of life. new leaders get elected. plants die and grow. night turns to day.

the sun will rise again. but for now, i just want to sleep the night away.

2005-04-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

okay. am not in a good mood considering that Man Utd just drew with Blackburn 0-0. what a catastrophic result. Also, other factors are causing me much grief in my life. grief and a fair amount of sadness.

daddy leaves for manilla tomorrow. for 3 whole months. i'm going to miss him so much. THREE MONTHS. i don't think i've ever been separated from daddy for so long before. 3 months.

on a brighter note, thank God for Pastor Joel and Ben who are mentoring me. Just as my main guiding male figure leaves, He has sent Ps Joel. Pastor, if you are reading this, i look up to you greatly. Thank God for you. =)

Thanking God is making me feel better already. Thank God for my darling mei mei and my bestest bruddar! Thank God for showing me truths from His Word to better share with the Worship Team.

I pray that daddy will be protected even as he leaves to do God's work in Manilla. Lord, cover him and bring him back safely to me.

To you who are reading this - you know who you are - i hope you like the gift. Read it. it'll help both of us. and we need all the help we can get.

Army beckons in a short time. what should i do?

2005-03-29T02:44:00.000+08:00

A time comes in your life when you finally get it, when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "enough!"

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety, and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming nor Cinderella. And that, in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings, for that matter). And that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you - and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are, and that's alright. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself - and in the process, a sense of new-found confidence is born of self approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself - and in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and overlook their shortcomings and human frailties - and in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a 'consumer'; looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say "no".

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.

You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly alright, and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want - and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect - and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve - and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone - and that it's alright to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that bad things sometimes happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn to not personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design as best you can the life you want to live.

2005-03-28T19:34:00.000+08:00

I am posting. whee

2005-03-24T16:24:00.000+08:00

dearest nat*korkor:

onethirtyAM. you & 'veen seriously cannot be serious. we spent more than 1hour coming to a conclusion. :'( anyway the convo was fun, i hafta admit. then again, anything with my kors is always fun. maybe 'cuz we always do silly stuff. =*) thanks for always being oh sooo nice. when i grow up i wanna be just like you! //hahahaha`

seriously. what the two of you have been trying to get me to say, is nonexistent. if it existed, i would tell you. you know that. //pokes` it hasn't been very long but it seems so huh? =*) our lives have taken us to many different places and we've caused quite a bit of ruckus. alright, it's mostly you. //runsoff`

no, seriously. all the times i was down, all the times i went crazy (as in, mentally), you've always been there to grab me by the hand, showing you really care. i can never thank you enough, for all that you've done for me, even the stuff you've done for my friends! //smiles`

i know i said i'd borrow your ccc textbook 'for the weekend' but it turned out to be, what, three months? //sheesh` alright i'm being lame as usual, only because you're too lazy to update! //shakeshead`

in conclusion? you are my big brother, one of my closest friends. a man like no other, i'm here for you 'til the end. //hugs`

y o u` will *n e v e r walk a l o n e-

2005-03-08T00:16:00.001+08:00

Hello world. update - I welcome back the return of a LOVED one. a smiley man who returns from the land of smiles - how apt. his absence highlighted how much he is an integral part of my life, and despite how gay this may sound, i shall follow the advice of 1 Thessalonians, and greet my BRUDDARR with a holy kiss = *mmuuaaakkzz*

back to life. this week is the last week of school. 3 years of pain. of suffering. of 8 am tutorials. of deadlines. culminating in one bloody week of school. self-reflection, something which all humans are capable of but rarely engage in, shows that all i have to show for it will be the friends i have made. oh, and maybe a piece of paper that says "diploma in communications and media mgt". For all of you who aspire to take up this course in TP, i can only offer my sincerest advice in saying - RUN FAR, FAR AWAY. RUN, FOREST, RUN!

3 years in Poly has matured my thinking in a way that JC never would. so maybe TP wasn't that bad in that sense. God has been steadily working in my life, and His grace and mercy that abounds for me is something that never fails to make me cry.

Perhaps then my muted sense of satisfaction with life after 3 confusing years in TP lies in the fact that I still have no idea what to do after studying. Work? where? And what about the more personal aspects of my life? Where is His hand in all this?

This self searching is not new to me. I wish for once that I would stop with all this inward looking crap. whats wrong with me. whats wrong with me?

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil,
for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

How sweet and true this is. We often take for granted the most "popular" Scripture, these verses like John 3:16 and just think of them as nice stuff but not relevant enough for our lives. Like they suddenly drop out of importance because everyone "knows" these words. Correction, but not EVERYONE KNOWS(understands) these words.

So maybe inward looking ain't that bad after all.

Anyway, I shall end off the same way i started. welcome back bro. like i said, you'll never know how much you've been missed.

Daddy, i love you and miss you. Come back soon.

2005-03-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

just wanna say one thing: two of the most important male figures in my life are away.

my bruddar & daddy.

Guys, i miss you both so much. I love you so much, and I thank God daily for blessing my life with you two.

Bro, call me when you get back - we have so much to share! can't wait till you're back!

Daddy - come back soon. I love you daddy. God couldnt have done any better than choosing you to be my dad.

Dear - work hard, study hard, & i'll be right here missing, thinking of and loving you always.

2005-02-28T20:27:00.000+08:00

naaaat`korkor eh i did do work during tutorial! it's just that you happened to see me smsing after tutorial. guess what? final cut pro's screwed on this macintosh, and everything i've done is gone. i'm going home.

2005-02-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

Time for another update, courtesy of free time at ESPN. =)

Life has been great - I love you dear. Thank you and I am amazed at how much we remain strong in our r/s despite everything the storm has thrown at us.

I miss my brother RAVEEN so so so much! You were so absolutely sweet to call! boy oh boy was i touched you sweet bro! come back soon and safe bruddar!!!! love ya!!

Mummy and daddy have left for Taiping. Kor Kor is leaving next Wednesday for Vietnam. Man I feel so absolutely alone :( Miss them already.

Army update: much to guo liang's dismay, yours truly will probably be given a low PES status. That means less physical training i guess. woo!

Went for an MRI scan. superclaustrophobic.
ididntdaretolookupcuziwasafraidthatiwouldstartscreamingorpukingorworse
becausethetunnelwassodarnsmallijustclosedmyeyesrealtight
andprayedthattheywouldntfindlikeanymissingorgansorotherproblemswithme

Heard mei mei's radio thingy went well! congrats mei! knew you could do it you smartie ;)

till the next update.

2005-02-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

About bloody time.

That's the reaction i reckon most people will have when they read this.

I must apologize. Life has been zipping by so quickly that I have not had the time to sit down and write regal stories about my life.

The Chinese New Year holidays have passed by so quickly. There's hardly any time to breathe right now. The deadlines are coming thick and fast. And I've commitments to fulfill.

I just wish sometimes I that I could take a breather. Even the long hols haven't enabled me that. It's not my body that needs rest. Its my mind.

Life as we know it is a mad rush. To paraphrase an idea from man whose intellect i respect, it's a mad rush from the time we are sperms.

300 million blinking sperms rush in pursuit of the ultimate prize: Life.

*pause*
Adriel, sorry for not being able to do the lessons thing. But I'll be able to now k? Maybe not Thursdays though. Let me know.

Hey Deb! How's it going?
*unpause*

Sorry, there isn't a method to my madness.

Dearest bruddar of mine, Raveen Mannar, has left for the land of Smiles. Apt for the smiley boy himself. It's been a wonderful 2005 thus far for the both of us - gayness intended.
May the good Lord bless and keep him even as my brother scurries about like the super-trooper that he is.
Bro if you're reading this, I MISS YOU! and love ya too! ;)

Girlfriend - what can i say about you dear. You're amazing. Even when things are rough, you and I manage to stay firm. Your smile, your lame-ness, your voice.. they invigorate me in an otherwise hectic life. Thank you darling - I MISS YOU! LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

Okay I'll stop my whinging and whining now. Take care y'all. Peace out.

2005-02-11T01:38:00.000+08:00

::OUR QUOTE OF THE MONTH::

If YoU duN DO yOuR BesT, I'LL kiCk YoUR AsS!!

2005-01-21T11:42:00.000+08:00

I have to dedicate a post to my mei mei.

She's been a real tower of strength and support in difficult times.
She's oh so cute and oh so pretty.
I'm having trouble writing it so it rhymes.
Such a lame poem, what a pity.

Hahahaha.

okay here goes.

thank you mei for updating my blog even though I don't.
thank you mei for your idiosyncracies - they make you, you.
thank you mei for your kind, uplifting and supporting words.
thank you mei for never failing to make me laugh, whether by your absolute blurness, your silliness, your clumsy ways.. wait a minute, this is supposed to be a postive post.. erm.. thanks for the good times!

Thank you.

2005-01-21T11:30:00.000+08:00

Right. Time for an update.

I really am sorry, i know i haven't been updating regularly at all. 2004 has come and gone and the 2005 has begun. And still no updates from me.

So marketing has begun and it's not really tough but it's just not my first love or anything. I'm being forced to take it but thanks to Sam and Eugene i've been getting along just fine.

Life. What is it all about? Academic progress? Wealth and riches? I feel like Solomon in asking what the purpose of life is.

But then again i have this knack for questioning everything that comes my way. Just ask my parents.

In 2005 my parents have bought me:
1. Powerbook G4
2. Digital Camera
3. New Handphone
4. Software for Mac
5. Thumbdrive

Makes me wanna cry.

I've committed to reading 3 chapters a week. Not for the sake of reading but so that i'll grow and mature.

Considering the great work He has done for me and my BRUDDARR in 2004, i have great hopes for 2005.

And to that special someone, He has been faithful to us too. May we grow in love.

2005 looks like a year of change for me. NS, school, church. Exciting times ahead when i think about it.

Now if only Man Yoo can win the Champions League.

2005-01-14T01:56:00.000+08:00

Hello world! okay...

I got a mac. a powerbook to be exact.

hehe.

nothing more to say

i love apples and oranges and dells.

lalalala.

2005-01-13T01:08:00.000+08:00

hey people.

Sorry i haven't been updating for so long. Been slightly busy and all.

Will be back soon, just tinkering with a new toy i have now.

2005-01-01T16:21:00.000+08:00

it's 2005. 2005. 2005........

the "spoiler of the mood" returns once again.

a happy new year to you. and you. and you. and you and you and you.

crackpots and spoiled brats.

i'd like to state that it was me who spoilt the mood.

what the heck.

2005-01-01T13:22:00.000+08:00

hey bro! i'm so mean! argh.. after all you've done for me i just turned you down like that when you msged me. things were happening so fast i couldnt process everything at one time. sorry if i seemed curt/irritating/unfriendly/rude. or all of the above. didnt intend to wish you the happy new year and the passing of one of the best years(with you of course, and for other reasons) in such a manner. dont angry or take it to heart. it wasnt me. the ring had consumed me by then. carrying the burden. okay i've just watched the 3episodes of LOTR!! dont blame me. :p

HAPPY NEW YEAR and hope all goes well on the O.C. and the E.C. and the T(ampines). G.R.C. *hahahahahahahahahahahahaahaaaa*
rest well and early!we leave for battle tomorrow.

veenwashereveenwashereveenwashereveenwashereveenwashere

2004-12-28T19:39:00.000+08:00

his face belies good years gone by....

nat*kor rocks my rainbow-colored roxy socks!!!! <3
people of the kingdom listen up:
the owner of this blog, ^{my kor kor,} is the bestest!!!!
=*)
although he always bullies me, he's super nice
//roxymoron
he's oh sooo funny; always making me laugh
he's oh sooo sweet; always looking out for me
he's oh sooo trustworthy; i can tell him everything
and he wrote me a super touching paragraph
in the Christmas card he shared with my jie jie
i must say he has very neat handwriting for a guy
<3

i had a tutorial at two today, on the 5th floor
i've no idea what made me use the 4th floor toilet,
but when i came out, i was looking right at kor
//how cool is that?
=*)
his phone's spoilt so he's currently not contactable
quite a number of people were looking for him
heard he'd end school at four, like joanna and me
wanted to meet him; tell him stuff, catch up and all
didn't think i'd run into him, _{but i thought wrong}
=*)
actually tomorrow we both have a 2hour break
from eleven till one; we met up last week
but i think i'll be going to school only at two
//byeeee~

happy2005kor;loveyouloads!!!!

....a face that has seen more sunrises than one would suspect

2004-12-21T18:05:00.000+08:00

people don't go to church and feel spiritual;
they go to church and feel bored
but they keep going.
every week.
out of habit.
or in habit, if you're a nun.

// pokes kor in the stomach
i'm still waiting for your answer you know?
i heard about your list; rather expensive, i must say
=*)
you know, i wanted to get you THAT-
that ohsoooannoying pink thing i got some people
but i realised you've already seen it,
plus i thought of your very cluttered room
and i really wouldn't want to make it worse
although it can't look any more terrible that that
=*)
tell me about marketing the next time i see you;
i want to major in that too, during the third year
alright, time to update the next blog; byeeee!!!!
<3

....dense people are the most open to suggestion - it's the so-called intelligent folks who have a hard time accepting a good idea

2004-12-20T15:41:00.000+08:00

there is a way that seems right to a man
but in the end it leads to death
->proverbs 16:25

ihavenoideawhati'mdoing
postingentriesforeveryone

2004-12-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

Sorry i haven't been updating.

I always promise i will.

But my "enlightenment" comes in spurts.

Please forgive my intermittent blogging. and do come back next time.

ps. hey jo c! no prob link me! sorry i wanna link others but am just so darned lazy.

pps. bro, take care and come back from army soon. have so many things to report - wishlist updates when u return as well.

ppps. mei, thanks for being so wonderful! i'll let you know my wishlist really soon k?

ppppps. i'm so very tired. can i just slp next year away? no army, no exams.

God, come back next year! *selfish*

2004-12-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

scruffy. no scratch that - FAT and scruffy.

the unbearable superficiality of being.

So the hols are coming to an end.

So school starts in 2 days.

So what.

*flashback*

Boy gets
Boy gets A for BROADCAST PERFORMANCE (Top of his cohort).

Boy gets Journalism for major for 3rd year despite FEVERED interest in all things broadcast and the SMALL matter of diferring grades.

*flashback over*

11:09pm. Status report.

Feeling fat - understatement of the century.

Feeling lonely - for some strange and bizarre reason.

Feeling sick - been sleeping at 6am for past few days.

Feeling poor - 'nuff said.

Feeling angry/bitter/lost/confused - JOURNO?!!!!!

It's like TP's sole mission in life is to screw up my life.

Word of advice to the not so "in-the-know" - POLY education is absolutely shite.

Especially TP. I know, you're not inclined to believe me cuz I am angry.

You know what?

Whatever.

The talk with Judy has left me with plenty to ponder.

On a lighter note, congrats bruddar! Motorcyclist extraordinaire. & thanks for the rainbows.

2004-12-01T09:54:00.000+08:00

ScHoOL's StArtiNg.tiMe tO waKe Up FrOm Ur SleEp

*CinDeReLLa invades ScRuffY's ScintiLLatinG WorLd*

2004-11-23T13:51:00.000+08:00

Came back from Bintan on Sunday! Left on Friday, to all who didn't know.

Fun and games! More games than anything, but hey, whatever floats my boat.

Which incidentally reminds me, my boat didn't float so good. Both there and back.

So my internship is finally over, i can heave a sigh of relief, right?

Wrong.

Now's when the tough part begins.

1. Exercise, lose weight, pass IPPT, all of which my dearest BrUdDaRRRRR!!! was agreed to guide me in - thanks bro, you really da best.

2. School school school school school. 'nuff said.

3. The age old question of: "What am I doing with my life? Where do I go from here?"

C'est la vie.

On another note.

I found out recently that people have left Lighthouse because of what I perceive to be issues which are not right to leave a church for. But hey, log in my eye, anyone?

Stll, can't help but feel a little disappointed, seeing as to these people were entrusted with leadership and authority. And some i even looked up to, once upon a time.

Is it our fundamental HUMAN-ness that makes us so disagreeable?

How much more I respect my whole family, especially the males in my family. (Daddy, Kor Kor and Mike)

Throughout these years they have no doubt been wronged. Falsely accused. "Persecuted" in church sense. Seems like everytime there's a witch-hunt they fall squarely within the crosshairs.

Yet all have remained faithful in service to Him. And perhaps even more remarkably, in the same Church that God ordained.

Guys, I salute you.

(Mum and sis are faithful in service too, of course. But they'll agree with me when i say that the men have faced worse.)

I don't wish to be the apple that falls far from the tree. In fact I hope that people will one day say, "That boy, Nat. He had the talent of his brother, the knowledge of his brother in law, and the wisdom and character of his father. (and of course a heart after his Heavenly Father's)."

As a sidenote, Mike and Kor Kor have character and wisdom too. Just that I decided to pinpoint their defining feature.

You know where this is leading.

More updates soon.

2004-11-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

*richbabe invades the poor man's scintillating world*

twinkle twinkle little star

how i wonder wad u are

up above the world so high

like a diamond in the sky

twinkle twinkle little star

how i wonder wad u are

.like the stars that shine every nite.may u con't to bring a ur glow into the lives of others.make others twinkle wif u.luv ya alwiz.

2004-11-15T14:40:00.000+08:00

This is an update.

I have updated my blog.

I have changed the layout.

Took me an hour.

Am at work now.

My last week on the job.

Man Yoo beat Newcastle 3-1.

Life is good.

I am hungry.

Till my next UPDATE.

2004-11-11T16:27:00.000+08:00

thePINKprincessinvades

my kor is....
extremely lazy. he's stopped updating this thing.
so strange. why doesn't he eat yong tau foo anymore?
full of faith. don't ask me if that's good or bad.
paranoid. he always thinks i'm mad at him.

....ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies

2004-10-29T13:59:00.000+08:00

everybodyclickhere
NATionalservicewilldoyouwonders

2004-10-28T13:31:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the replies on my tagboard!

It warms my heart to know that people care. Thank you so much.

Unfortunately I still don't know what to do. =(

Dying to self is something that is really painful.

How do I die to self daily?

Luke 12:48 says, "For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required."

I have been given much, and yet I have returned little.

It's been tough, but my dad has finally eased my mind. His was the one last fleece i needed.

Luke 12:48 weighs heavily in my heart. I can no longer deny God's call, neither can I stand idly by and pretend not to hear.

Once again, the conundrum is brought up.

The Lord is calling.

Dare I NOT answer?

2004-10-21T07:59:00.000+08:00

Ever noticed how the weather in Singapore is unpredictable? Really cold, followed by searing heat, then in a flash it starts to rain, followed by the unbearable sinking atmospheric crap we call humidity?

That's kinda how I feel about life right now.

I know i haven't been updating and it seems almost EVERYTIME i do it's because i'm sad or depressed or *place your own negative adjective here*. But thats not the case. I do want to share my happy moments, the kind that makes your pulse race, the thrill of adrenaline rushing through my veins.. unfortunately those moments are few and far between and they usually happen FAR away from the internet.

At the moment it just feels so surreal. Like what I'm doing is just not fulfilling a call deep within me. Yet I struggle to come to terms with the call. Yes, it requires great sacrifice and submission. But that's not why I'm not answering. I'm just...

Back to the point.

Life is really floating by, like I'm in some space-time continuum (by the way, that wasn't a typo - it's really spelt with two U's) And I can't seem to put my finger down on any one thing in my life thats making me feel this way. It'd be too easy to say: " It's the devil's fault!" because at the end of the day I live my life by the choices I make. The enemy can't make me do something I don't want to do.

How about moments in which you feel so close to God, so near that you can just reach out and touch Him? Have you ever felt that way? Or even to the extent that you tremble in respectful and revered awe because His Presence enveloped the area in which you were in?

It's so wonderful, the power of His presence, but at the same time it shines a light deep within the dark recesses of my heart, my life, my mind, my all. The light illuminates my contempt, my sin, and yet I come back here and ramble on about how life is this and that.. blah.

I am a firm believer that no man can go before the face of God and come back unchanged. Or how about, "only dead man see His glory". Meaning no human can go before Him (in that sinful shell) alive and not die in the pure and holy presence of God. That's what's killing me inside. The irony is not lost on me that I'm not a dead man. And there's no pun intended that me not being dead is killing me. Dry humor's just not my thing.

Just to clarify, the death i am referring to here is death to self - I am not suicidal.

99% holiness is not enough. 99% of anything is not enough, it's not complete.

Why does that always ring such a resounding bell in my heart?

You get the feeling that humans justify themselves by saying "Okay, I submit to God 90% of the time." Thats not enough. It never will be enough.

I am not trying to paint God as this tyrant.

He knows in His wisdom that anything less than 100% is bad for us. That in Him we truly live and move and have our being. But the moment we veer even a tiny bit off course, our troubles are multiplied.

Of course, God is never confined. Despite our limitations He'll always make a way. *phew!*

Imagine we have a map. If you follow the map 99% and decide to go 1% off, you'd never reach your destination. In which case the whole earth is seriously lost. Wait a minute.. it is!
Thank God that He guides us back on course. He is forgiving and merciful. And sometimes even uses our mistake to show us another route.

I have no idea why I am explaining all this to you when it's me who needs to drum this 100% thing into my brain.

Sorry if you've been reading this and wondering, "yes that's all nice and good but where is he going with this train of thought?"

I keep having these visions of me leading worship. The congregation cries out in unison, worshipping and praising God.

Let's get one thing straight - I've never coveted a worship leader's postion. Or any leadership position in a ministry. Nor have I asked to be placed there. But this vision has been with me for the most part of 6 years now. I've never told anyone, not until now.

Not till now because I have a heavy burden in my heart. It's a burden that in recent weeks has become HUGE. It has something to do with this vision, and yet I feel so uncalled, so unworthy. I fear that it's not His call, but my pride. But at the same time I search deep within myself and in seeking Him I know that this is His call. I just don't know if I can answer.

The call, the vision, my own struggle to submit my all to Him, they've all culminated into one big and heavy burden.

You know how it is when you want to avoid someone's call and that someone keeps calling and calling and the phone rings incessantly until it's just vibrating in your skull and ringing and ringing and ringing

Not that I mean any disrespect to God. Just trying to let you know how crazy it's been.

And upon further reflection how crazy I'm being to try and miss or reject His call.

God is calling.

Dare I answer?

2004-10-20T23:47:00.000+08:00

floating downstream

2004-10-06T08:39:00.000+08:00

I'M BORED AT WORK =D

2004-10-02T11:08:00.000+08:00

Lord,

There is a peace, there is a rest,

That settles here in Your Presence.

When Your face is very near,

Your love erases every fear...

It's the power of Your Presence,

It's the strength of Your Hand in mine.

It's the glory of Your greatness

That has the power to change my life.

2004-10-02T10:50:00.000+08:00

Well here i am sitting in Raveen's room typing away. Haven't really poured out my heart and soul as i used to in this blog. My apologies folks.

I find myself sitting here at the crossroads of life. Where to go, what to do, how to get there. It's all rather blur to me. I think about the impossibilities of life, how unpredictable it is, and how a drizzle can suddenly gather strength and become a tempest of storms.

Without a doubt the past 5 years of my life have whizzed in joy, love, and yet also pain and despair. In all aspects of life.

God, why does this struggle seem more difficult than the last?

Left, right, center. Decisions, decisions. Life seems to be so placid and yet so frighteningly quick at the same time. At once bright and yet dark. This seeming duality is not possible, and yet it is.
Is my existence divine purpose or am i just a speck in the scheme of things?

Is there no reprieve from this? Can that stone cold heart not break in light of the love I'm showing?

Must I go through this ignominy, this contempt, this fickleness? Oh Lord do something and soon.

Where and when will my paths be revealed? Have I not sought You enough Lord? Or perhaps
I've allowed myself to be as Martha, and hurry about doing all the nitty gritty, leaving out THE ESSENTIAL BIT.

Yet time and again i find myself drawn into Your sweet Presence.

Mercy saw me, sought me, found me and forgave me.

And yet how long can I keep struggling to keep this up?

Pray for me people. I know I don't deserve it but I appeal to you for prayer. I find myself severely lost and caught up in a rushing tide.

This melancholy is not my prize. This despair, not my inheritance. I rebuke and reject it in the Name of Him who has saved me, and plucked me from the depths of my unrighteousness.

Into thy Hands I commend my spirit Lord, take my life, my soul, my heart, my mind, my ALL and lead me unto Your eternal plan.

"Not what I was, but what I could be, thats how Mercy saw me"

2004-10-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

Hello world! I am writing this from work - oh joy. I only get to finish at 12 midnight EARLIEST! ARgh! on the bright side, I just wanna wish my brother 'ol brother, best friend and much more(sorry lah words aren't applicable with this wonderful fella) A GREAT BIRTHDAY! though i'm late hehe.

I'm talking to princess*pet*aka*mei and we're both slacking. The diff is I'm at work! and she's like super infectious - i mean her laughter and bubbliness. And while i'm typing she's just quietly typing away - either that or her teeth are chattering really loud. :P

Oh while i'm at it happy belated birthday ESTHER! Hope you had a smashing time! Love ya!

Okay time to end my mini-update, This is Scruffynat reporting to you from ESPN.

2004-09-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

I love him!

2004-09-27T22:54:00.000+08:00

More photos of my cute little nephew!

2004-09-27T22:06:00.002+08:00

hello world!

I'll let u in on a little secret:

I'm bored.

Love ya!

2004-09-27T22:06:00.001+08:00

hello world!

I'll let u in on a little secret:

I'm bored.

Love ya!

2004-09-27T22:03:00.000+08:00

My cute li'll nephew!

2004-09-24T13:28:00.000+08:00

Alrighty! I'm back finally! Thanks to all of you who consistently came back even though nothing was written! I love you all!

Okie dokie back to business.. yesterday was my dearest brother's POP.. congratulations!! Best PT - why am I not surprised eh? I am absolutely proud of you bro!

Okay but bro I need a favour k? ;) I think something's wrong with my tagboard.. could you help me sort that out? other than that.. everything should be fine i think!

be back tonight my people! love ya!

2004-09-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

its not dead.

i just dunno wat to say.

stay tuned

2004-08-02T19:39:00.000+08:00

There's a mountain before me,

As I come into Your presence,

Though my heart is so willing to recieve.

Wondering why all of my prayers seem to

Fall to the ground,

With every syllable I speak.

And as I fall down before you,

I've cried my last tear,

I'm tired of forgetting all You've done.

All the times You came to my rescue,

When I was so weak,

Growing weary from this race I run.

And as I close my eyes,

I feel Your embrace,

As You usher me here before Your throne.

Reaching with Your Hand of forgiveness,

You speak to me these words,

With a love like I've never ever known.

"You will overcome.

And the trials you go through,

Will fall, one by one.

As My Grace pours over you.

And you will seek Me and find Me,

When you seek Me with all of your heart,

Not just a part.

When the road that you travel,

Seems like it never will end,

I'll be your friend.

And in those times that you feel like,

This world is so far from your home,

Son, you're not alone.

'Cause I will never depart,

Just seek Me

With all of your heart."

2004-08-02T19:25:00.000+08:00

Will the sun ever rise again?

Will winter never end?

Will I ever be the same?

I can't even comprehend.

The hand around my heart grips harder,

The sun refuses to shine.

Time seems to last far longer,

Oh where's my Lord Divine?

Then look! Behold! Christ appears!

His face, not His Hand I seek.

And all my troubles disappear,

For even though I'm weak.

The Lord my God shall be my strength,

If only I would seek.

So with all my heart I collapse before Him,

In all my pain I cry,

"Oh Lord why have You forsaken me,

And left me alone to die?"

With even greater pain than I have felt,

The Lord began to speak.

"My child, I did not leave you,

Not once, though you were weak.

I did not stand idly by

While you my child did cry.

How I longed for this moment,

Oh how I longed for this day.

Come away my beloved,

To our secret place

Enter into My presence,

Enter into My Mercy and Grace."

2004-07-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

Ok ok, sorry people. I have so much to write. Blame Petrina mei. She told me to update.

By the way, have you read her blog? Spoken like a true child of God. Go read it -- its under Princess in the links.

Time to take stock of my life.

Life has been good, God has blessed me with a fantastic job, work enviroment, colleagues, bosses.. the works.

He has blessed my r/s with my brother Joel.

Also with my brother Veen - whom I count as family.

Also with my sisters Esther/Pet - whom I count as family too.

Praise God! I believe my heartfelt prayer will be answered soon!